5 Depraved Acts That Must Be Included in Any ‘Sims’ Movie
The latest story-light video game property to be bled for movie money seems to be The Sims. Given that, by design, The Sims is a game without a preset story, it’s going to be up to the writers and producers to inject some semblance of a narrative. However, even though The Sims is meant to be a game about normal people living normal lives, if the movie follows that path it will disrespect one of the most important, core tenets of The Sims: how power breeds cruelty.
Sure, some people might have been playing nice with their Sims, but I’d argue the game had more legs as a sort of tiny Stanford Prison Experiment.
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With that in mind, here are five Sims’ fates that have to be included in any movie…
Deleting Pool Ladders
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Perhaps the most classic punishment that was doled out from on high to an unsuspecting Sim. The execution, pun intended, was simple: You’d get your Sim into a pool for a quick dip, but as soon as they resurfaced, they’d realize that the ladder that allowed them to exit the pool had been wiped from the face of Sim-earth by some unseen force (i.e., you). Seemingly unable to haul themselves out in a less graceful manner, they were left to tread water as long as they could to delay their entry to hell.
Multiple Day Mazes
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A fate bestowed on Sims that was doubly insulting was the sudden appearance of a massive maze. It flaunted the power of the player both in their ability to quickly construct ample, insurmountable walls, as well as the bird’s-eye view they enjoyed while playing. Normal-height Sims would have killed for the ability to zoom out, but instead, they were stuck navigating an extensive maze every time they wanted to use the bathroom or leave the house.
Setting Everything on Fire
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It’s impossible to stress just how easy it is to start a fire in your Sims’ house. Based on the frequency of kitchen blazes in particular, you’d think that they were mopping their floors with lighter fluid. IRL, a bad cook trying to make dinner usually results in a gross meal. In The Sims, anyone with less than stellar cooking skills only has to be gently aimed at the stove, and the entire house is immediately engulfed in a raging inferno. Even more unfortunately, it’s going to take the firefighters a long time to navigate the aforementioned mazes in order to make a rescue.
Secret Dungeons
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Similar to the rate of five-alarm house fires, another thing that’s much more common in the world of the Sims is secret rooms. In our world, outside of maybe a weird uncle or an ancient mansion, your home probably has exactly as many rooms as you think it does. But in The Sims, there’s probably a 25 percent chance that, behind any given wall, there’s a frightened Sim, peeing on the floor and bemoaning a lack of social interaction. You’re feeling lonely? I bet you are, my little digital Fortunato!
The Painting Goblin
Speaking of secret dungeons, The Sims movie will have done a great disservice if it doesn’t give a nod to maybe one of the most famously cruel exercises in Sims history. I’m talking, of course, about the meme/crime that is the “painting goblin.” Like it or not, this is probably the closest thing to canon lore that The Sims has.
