The Failed Attempt to Create A Universal Language

If everyone on Earth used the same language, it sure would be convenient. There would be downsides, of course, like a lack of photos of funny mistranslated T-shirts in foreign countries, but the increased ability of humankind to connect with each other would obviously far outweigh those downsides. Which is exactly why, in 1887, a doctor named L.L. Zamenhof invented a new language called Esperanto to be used worldwide.

He didn’t mean for it to necessarily replaced anyone’s native tongue either. Instead, he hoped for it to become a secondary language, one that could be learned in addition to first languages in order to enable global communication. 

Now, admittedly, it clearly borrowed from existing languages, almost all of which were European, which dampens the all-inclusive feel. I doubt, for instance, that Middle Eastern or Asian countries were going to feel more included because Esperanto pulls from both Italian and Polish.

Still, at the League of Nations, Iran suggested Esperanto be adopted, only to be met by resistance from the very European countries that Esperanto drew its inspiration. The French immediately shot down because, well, a lot of people already spoke French. The Czar of Russia banned Esperanto altogether and considered it a form of sedition. And during World War II, Hitler predictably labeled it a Jewish plot to take over the world. He even specifically directed the Gestapo to find and kill Zamenhof’s descendants like this was a time-travel, alternate-universe situation and not just a weird language no one really spoke anyways.

The bummer of the whole thing is that, despite being destined to fail because of basic human stubbornness, Esperanto is pretty cool. For example, it avoids masculine and feminine nouns, irregular verbs and all spellings are phonetic. Anyone who’s ever wondered why Spanish jackets are female, or why you can burst a balloon but a balloon’s never bursted, will appreciate those qualities. Or, for fun, imagine a non-native English speaker trying to pronounce a sentence like: The injured count coughed, “This coup will have you in court for treason!”

Today, Esperanto is considered a failed language but not a dead language, as evidenced by its modern-day speakers, who will surely have something to say about the former. They argue that there’s still a chance for Esperanto to become the universal language it was designed to be sometime in the future. 

Which, sure. I guess we have to applaud their Lloyd Christmas-like optimism. But as far as the Vegas line goes on the number of Earths eventually speaking Esperanto, I’m taking under 0.5.