The Spammers Crucifying Minions for Clout

Did you hear the miracle about the animator who was messing around and made a — checks notes — depiction of a Minion crucified on the cross? A cohort of TikTok spammers from all around the world may have led you to believe that you missed that one in Sunday School. 

Hundreds of TikTokers, who all appear to be real humans, are mysteriously using the same exact scripted voiceover for the inspiring tale of the Devout Animator and the Gru-cified Minion: “If you scroll away from this video then what are you doing?!,” they entreat. “Look, look, look!” they plead. “One day, an animator was messing around and he created this picture of a little Minion who died on the cross.” And lo and behold, you see a Minion bowing its yellow bald head in Golgotha. 

After you’ve been suckered into watching the full clip, the narrator goes on to point out how a nail was put through his “three-fingered hand” (said, dead-seriously), and “a crown of thorns on his little Minion head.”

But wait! The narrator reminds us, our Lord and Savior wasn’t a Minion, silly viewer. It was Jesus! A terrifying bolt of lightning strikes on the Minion as the image dissolves and transforms into a DeviantArt-style painting of Jesus on the cross. “I have to let you know something! A Minion didn’t die for you. A Minion didn’t pay the price that you and me deserve, but Jesus did, because Jesus loves you!” 

Then, the narrator baits the viewer one last time — they tease that if you do believe a Minion died for the sake of humanity then keep on scrolling, but if you believe Jesus was the one, well, follow and subscribe right now. 

TikTok creator @qfterqffectsbackup strung several of these videos together with the words “Dead Internet Theory,” and the end result was a harrowing compilation — an eerie cacophony of accounts chiding Minion-loving blasphemers with the same spammy-sounding script. 

What exactly is the Dead Internet Theory? It’s been posited that corporate-backed bots and A.I.-generated sludge have overrun the internet. Essentially, Dead Internet Theory truthers think that most of the internet is fake, and that people no longer shape its course — or shape the course of what products or ideas are trending. 

While it may be a stretch to say that the entirety of the internet has been cannibalized by algorithms, it’s true that there’s a whole world of TikTok spammers who use cheap (but effective) A.I. tools made by low-wage editors that guarantee virality. (And virality can often lead to content monetization via brand sponsorships and creator collaborations.) The Spambot Economy is how we get nonsense like a global Minions versus Jesus debate, and how we’re likely to get more content slop hurled our way via TikTok, Instagram Reels, YouTube Shorts and posts on X. 

TLDR: We’re living in the confines of a Black Mirror episode, y’all — and not a very interesting one, at that.