The Hawk Tuah Girl Would Like to Hawk Tuah Matt Rife
Haliey Welch, the young woman who became instantly famous for her “hawk tuah” moment, is making the podcast rounds this week. After laughing off Bill Maher’s lectures on Club Random, Welch sat down on Good for You with comedian Whitney Cummings. Now is the perfect time to reach out to celebrity crushes, the comic told Welch. Did the 21-year-old have anyone in mind?
As a matter of fact, Welch did. “Hear me out,” she said. “Young Mark Wahlberg.”
“So you need a time machine,” replied Cummings.
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How about Channing Tatum? Nope, Cummings has met the guy, but he’s not in her FaceTime rolodex. Did Welch have any comedy crushes that Cummings could help with?
“Matt Rife?”
Now there was someone in Cummings’ inner circle. “Let’s see if we can get Matt Rife on the horn.”
“Hey boy!” exclaimed Welch. “Get on his ass! Get on him!”
Rife’s chiseled mug soon showed up on FaceTime, causing Welch to cover her face as the two engaged in some awkward flirting. “Why am I blushing?” asked Cummings, succumbing to the fever generated by the twenty-somethings.
“I know my face is hot,” confessed Welch.
The 28-year-old Rife appeared to pump the romantic brakes once Welch revealed that she’s only 21. “How old’s your mom?” he asked, just in case the whole Hawk Tuah thing didn’t work out.
“My mama a crackhead, you don’t want her,” Welch scolded. Cummings’ mind was boggled — was Welch serious? “Yeah, I’m a crack baby!” she confirmed.
“Okay,” Cummings told Rife. “She might be your soulmate.”
Rife and Welch talked about the pitfalls of instant internet fame, with Rife offering some advice: “Fucking just stick to your guns and have fun and be smart and responsible,” he said. “Because as much as people love you today, more and more people hate you tomorrow. And the more people love you, the more people hate you because people love you. People love to see you succeed in the beginning, but then they fucking love to tear you down when they feel like you've gotten too big for your britches.
“And save some crack for the rest of us.”
Oh Matt Rife, you sweet talker, you!
Welch said she’ll have no problem following Rife’s “have fun” advice. “I'm not kidding,” she said. “I’m gonna be kicking my feet giggling.”
After learning that Welch lives near Nashville, Rife invited her to his August 24th show. “Do you want front row, or do you want to be off to the side, like backstage?”
“Put me back there with you, my boy,” Welch responded, waggling her eyebrows.
What went unsaid? Every time Cummings turned the camera so that Rife couldn’t see Welch, she urgently gestured for her friend to fetch a mop. After Rife professed his love and signed off, Welch shouted the quiet part out loud. “Bring that damn bucket and a mop right now!” she exclaimed. “I’m fixing to melt into a puddle on this floor.”
“Are you squirting?” asked Cummings.
That got a disgusted response from Welch. “Don’t say that word,” Welch protested. “It’s like ‘moist’!”
Cummings rolled her eyes. “Okay, Hawk Tuah.”
