In the Interest of Poor Taste, Here Are the Most Hilarious Criminal Defenses
America is the land of the free, where everyone has a right to defend themselves against criminal charges. It’s also the land of reality TV and true crime, though, so if those defenses could be wildly entertaining as well, that would be great. Fortunately — or unfortunately, in many cases — high-profile suspects are often happy to oblige.
The Snack Buddies
The Monster of Florence was basically Italy’s Zodiac Killer, targeting young couples over a span of nearly 20 years in the mid-20th century. After the guy who the authorities were pretty sure did it, Pietro Pacciani, died before his trial, two of his associates were arrested as accomplices/consolation prizes. One of them, Mario Vanni, denied any part in the murders, insisting his relationship with Pacciani was limited to a mutual fondness for tasty treats. They were merely part of a group, he claimed, called “the Snack Buddies.” This should have worked, as the mind who came up with “the Snack Buddies” can’t possibly be capable of murder, but both men were convicted.
Affluenza
Before sentencing at Ethan Couch’s 2013 trial for killing four people in a drunk-driving accident, psychologists testified that he suffered from “affluenza.” His family’s money meant he never had to learn right from wrong, they argued, because he could always pay to make the consequences of his actions go away. It convinced the judge to order rehab instead of prison time for Couch, but it doesn’t disqualify political candidates for some reason.
Dementia Americana
Speaking of the morally bankrupt rich, after railroad heir Harry Thaw shot his wife’s former lover in front of hundreds of people at Madison Square Garden in 1906, things weren’t looking great. His lawyer argued he suffered from a form of temporary insanity he called “dementia Americana,” which is “the species of insanity which makes every American man believe his home to be sacred … the honor of his wife is sacred … that whosoever stains the virtue of this threshold, has violated the highest of human laws and must appeal to the mercy of God.”
These are apparently values unique to Americans. Thaw ended up institutionalized rather than imprisoned, so he probably should have gone with affluenza.
Faked Insanity
Vincent Gigante’s defense of insanity was fairly standard -- it was the way he went about it. He was a mob boss under investigation for mob boss things, but he managed to evade prosecution by roaming New York City in his pajamas, talking to inanimate objects, and generally maintaining the appearance of disconnection from reality. Everyone knew what he was doing, but his supposed unfitness for trial delayed proceedings until he admitted to it after nearly 30 years, having become “too tired to fight.” After all, he was already in his pajamas.
The Evil Twin
We’re gonna let you guys in on a little secret: It’s incredibly easy to get away with crime if you have an identical twin. For example, when either R. Sathis Raj or his twin brother, R. Sabarish Raj, may or may not have trafficked drugs through Malaysia, he just called in his brother. After presumably switching places a few times, it was impossible to tell who the perp was, even with DNA evidence. This does require you to hit the gestational jackpot, but if you know any law-abiding identical twins, respect them. They are living in The Purge.
