Unpleasant Details About Otherwise Cute Animals
We, as humans, love to have a somewhat simplified view of cute animals. After all, especially nowadays, the chances of us encountering them on Instagram at their absolute cutest are much higher than of us seeing them in their natural habitat. We even push some of the grosser details to the back burner when it comes to our pets, like how accepting every cat owner is of having a tray filled with piss and turds sitting in their house at all times.
But the fact is, nature and evolution isn’t usually that neat and tidy. A number of our favorite animals have rough patches we’d like to mentally block out. Rough patches like…
Otters Have Brutal, Non-Consensual Sex With Other Species
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In fairness to otters, the animal world is filled with nonconsensual sex. So much so that scientists have given it the notably softer descriptor of “forced copulation.” But otters, those animals you love to see holding hands, take it to a whole other level, “forcibly copulating” with animals outside of their species, usually baby seals. This is clearly not ideal for the seal.
Not only that, but even otter-to-otter copulation isn’t all chocolate strawberries and soft kisses. The males are so brutal during mating that 11 percent of dead sea otters found along the California coast from 1998 to 2001 had “sex" as a cause of death.
85 Percent of Koalas Have Chlamydia, Which Makes Them Incontinent
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Chlamydia is so antithetic to cuddliness that they’re practically antonyms. Ironic, given how you get it, but that’s neither here nor there. As far as STIs go, it’s also easily treatable, but apparently no one told koala bears. According to Mark Krockenberger, a veterinary pathology professor in Australia, roughly 85 percent of the koala population has chlamydia.
All on its own, that’s not great news. What makes it more outwardly gross is that as it progresses, it can so thoroughly wreck the poor koala’s bladder that they’re basically constantly dripping urine, blood and pus out the bottom, like a poorly capped version of the world’s worst tube of toothpaste.
Platypus Venom Can Completely Wreck A Human
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At first, it just seems like yet another cool fact to add to the platypus’ series of wild details. They’re one of the very few mammals that produce venom, which they deliver through spurs on their hind legs. This is very cool and metal, at least when you’re only considering the act of a platypus poisoning in isolation. But when you start to look into what that venom actually does, even to a full-sized human? Ick.
This isn’t a case of an itch or swelling from the site of attack. If you’re unlucky enough to get stung, you’re going to have not only nausea but horrific pain throughout your whole body for multiple weeks. Oh well, that’s what morphine is for, right? Wrong. Apparently, the pain is so severe that morphine doesn't help. If you want any relief, you’ll have to use full-on nerve blockers.
Sloths Take Massive, Once-A-Week Dumps
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Sloths have evolved a deeply haunting bathroom routine. It comes from two details: 1) that sloths are most vulnerable to predators while on the ground; and 2) that, for whatever reason (scientists still aren't totally sure), sloths refuse to shit while in the trees. Thus, they have to climb down every time they want to “drop the kids off at the ground floor,” and it’s in their best interests to do so as rarely as possible.
How does this all come together? Sloths climb down from the trees once a week to take a single, mind-blowingly large dump. As in, they crap out a third of their body weight in a single session.
Armadillos Can Have Leprosy
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The armadillo is an all-time cool animal. A little armored fella that can roll around like that is obviously going to be enshrined in the top tier of little guys. Unfortunately, they also have an unusual trait that doesn’t seem so helpful for survival. For whatever reason, nine-banded armadillos are the only animal in the world outside of humans that can contract leprosy. In some locations, in fact, more than 20 percent of armadillos are lil' lepers.
And if you’re wondering, yes, they can transmit to humans. So maybe hold back on the wild armadillo hugs.
