5 Amorphous Mega-Corporations That Own Everything You Hold Dear

5 Unilever

What a beautifully vague name, absolutely perfect for the behemoth it would eventually become. Unilever’s fascinating because its gluttonous roots extend outside of even specific markets. Oh, so you’ve got a foothold on American beverages? How about we do that, and soap? 

Probably half the stuff in your house is Unilever. Taking a shower with your Dove bodywash and TRESemme shampoo, swiping some Degree under your armpits and then heading down to the kitchen to make a midnight sandwich with some Hellman’s Mayonnaise, and hell, why not, a bit of Ben & Jerry’s for dessert, or even Talenti gelato if you’re feeling fancy? All to retire finally to your bed for some private time with Vaseline? Literally every single part of that chain of actions was provided by Unilever.

4 Kraft Heinz

The capitalism chimera of Kraft Heinz has at least limited their empire to the edible, but they definitely have a stranglehold over basically everything you stuff into your mouth. I won’t waste your time with macaroni and cheese or ketchup, as those examples are obvious. Even without them, though, it’s hard to pack a lunch without throwing Kraft Heinz some coin. Philadelphia Cream Cheese? Capri Sun? Jell-O? Jet-Puffed Marshmallows? Anything Oscar Mayer? You're in Kraft Heinz country. 

You’re not safe if you go out to eat either, because if you end up at a TGI Fridays, a Benihana or even your beloved Taco Bell, you’re still squarely in their grasp.

3 Comcast

Probably one of the best-known companies just begging for some antitrust legislation, thanks to the fact that the shows from your childhood are wrapped up in these corporate mergers and that Comcast is a little less shy about making what they own, well, clearly their own. Sure you’re getting less bills every month, but that single bill is ever-bigger and more ominous, both for your own personal bank account and for the greater economy. 

Unfortunately, even the most steadfast cord-cutter might still not be able to escape Comcast if they happen to be a fan of the Philadelphia Flyers. Nothing like rooting on your hometown hockey heroes, knowing every jersey you buy is lining the pockets of the business equivalent of an elder god.

2 Molson Coors

Thanks to a lot of borderline alcoholics trying to make “preferences for different beers” a personality, this is one that they go to some lengths to keep mum. After all, standing in a gas station beer cave, marveling at the many varieties of suds available to you is a lot less fun if they were all just “Coors” with a suffix. Even the name gives you an idea how deep this goes, with Molson and Coors being, to the layman, two unrelated and very different beers. 

Where it really gets a little evil is that, realizing there’s a huge appetite for local, craft beers, Molson Coors has been hard at work inventing and acquiring beers that sure seem like they are. Terrapin Beer Co. out of Georgia, Atwater Brewery out of Detroit, Hop Valley Brewing Co. out of Oregon? They might have started there, but nowadays, the profits all end up at Molson Coors headquarters.

1 Nestle

You’ve got to make quite a heel turn to go from a company that makes delicious chocolate to deeply hated corporate overlord. Siphoning up the drinking water from native communities in order to bottle and sell it at a markup is sure a good way to do it. 

Pure, cutthroat profit-hunting aside, Nestle is still a company with a reach that makes an oligarch’s mouth water. They have more than 2,000 brands, they proudly proclaim on their website, like that's not a marker of craven, insatiable greed. They’ve probably got a finger in every meal consumed in your house, from breakfast to dinner, from adult to baby to dog. They even own brands that seem to be rivals. Perrier or San Pellegrino? Nestle doesn’t care, it all goes to the same earnings report. 

They make vegetarian and vegan foods for Garden Gourmet as well, because they really care, can’t you see?