14 Trends and Fads from the ‘80s That the Zoomer Mind Will Never Be Able to Comprehend
Please. You’ve already brought back friendship bracelets and goth culture. A single hacky sack might break civilization as we know it.
Deely Bobbers
In the first episode of SNL in 1975, they featured a sketch where the cast dressed like bees, complete with bobbing antennae. Lorne Michaels said, “The only note we got from the network on the first show was ‘Cut the bees.’ And so I made sure I put them in the next show.” They became a running gag, and in 1981, inventor Stephen Askin created headwear that mimicked the bobbing… deelies.
New Coke
In a baffling move, Coke decided it needed to make its cola taste a little bit more like Pepsi’s in 1985. Everyone hated it. They reverted back to their original flavor, but kept New Coke around as “Coke II” for a few years before finally killing it off in 2002.
Freezy Freakies
These were kids’ snow gloves printed with thermochromic ink that would reveal classic ‘80s Day-Glo patterns, sci-fi space fights and unicorns when exposed to cold weather.
Gardenburger
Before food scientists spent all their time and money trying to grow meat-like substances in petri dishes that taste and bleed like a real hamburger, they spent their resources trying to pack entire vegetarian meals into a single hockey puck. Gardenburgers were an unholy amalgam of mushrooms, onions, brown rice, rolled oats, cheese, eggs and garlic, pressed into a shape reminiscent of a hamburger patty.
Perineum Sunning
The practice of dropping trou and spreading your cheeks to let Mr. Sun stare directly into your brown eye has probably been around for centuries, and certain Liver King-esque health freaks are still into it today, but it had a real moment in the ‘80s. Ask your parents about it.
Googie Architecture
There was an architectural trend in the middle of the 20th century characterized by bright colors, odd geometry and sparkles. Think “Welcome to Las Vegas.” There are still a few Googie relics dotting the American landscape, but that shit used to be everywhere. It was inspired by one L.A. cafe in 1949, Googie’s Coffee Shop, but the shop and the fad itself finally died off in the ‘80s.
ThighMaster
This oversized paperclip was a well-marketed ploy to sell home gym equipment to horny people because of its proximity to genitals. The ThighMaster walked so the Shake Weight could run.
The Garbage Pail Kids
These were trading cards meant to take the piss out of Cabbage Patch Kids, with characters like Junkfood John and Smelly Kelly. Despite being banned in lots of schools, and the entire country of Mexico, there have been a couple of TV adaptations (one of which didn’t air in the U.S.) and a movie.
Bone Fone
The Bone Fone was like a heavy, solid scarf that would send audio waves into your skeleton, traveling up your vertebrae and into your weird little ear bones. It was supposed to “revolutionize the way we listen to stereo music” with “a sound almost impossible to imagine.”
Hit Stix
Does your latchkey kid want to learn the drums, but you think a snare and a hi-hat are just too darn acoustic? Give them electronic drum sticks that are wired to a tiny boombox that will blast an 8-bit impression of a drum set as they pound away on every surface in the house.
The Abdominizer
This hard plastic sled was invented by a Canadian chiropractor, so you know it’s medically sound. It was supposed to make sit-ups — one of the most boring and tedious exercises — even safer. It was an ‘80s commercial mainstay, selling about six million units through its ubiquitous infomercials.
Valleyspeak and the Essex Girl
Valleyspeak is the hallmark of the Valley Girl and the Val Dude, characterized by uptalk and vapid California surfer-esque lingo. The Ninja Turtles are like sentient Valleyspeak. The British version was the Essex Girl and Essex Man, a pejorative term for a similarly “ditzy” type of person who tended to live in Essex County, U.K.
Viennetta
This cheap ice cream lasagna is still around, but its commercials in the ‘80s and ‘90s showed decadent slices being served in fancy glasses, causing kids to believe it was an extravagant dish to be enjoyed only on special occasions.
The Scariest Dolls of All Time
The Hugga Bunch. My Buddy. Alphie the educational robot. Glo Worms. It was like the space race, except every toy company on the planet was firehosing its resources into creating the most haunted doll the world has ever known.
