Hawk Tuah Girl Ignores Bill Maher’s Lectures, Tries to Set Him Up With Her Grandma Instead

There’s no more unlikely 2024 celebrity than Haliey Welch, the young woman who inexplicably rose to fame via a viral TikTok in which she coined the phrase “hawk tuah,” an onomatopoetic description of an oral sex act. But she seems almost as unimpressed with her newfound fame as she is with Bill Maher.

“I’m sure you should be nervous, but you don’t seem like you are,” Maher said as a backhanded way of welcoming Welch to his Club Random podcast. (He misspells Haliey in the video version’s opening credits.) What’s the matter  — isn’t Welch in awe of her interviewer?

“Eh,” she replied with a shrug.

“I don’t expect you to know me. Most of the country does, bitch…,” Maher “jokes” later in the podcast. “But no, I’m kidding.” 

The relatively unknown Welch is a perfect Club Random guest because she allows Maher to do two of his favorite things: Talk about sex and lecture young people. “If you pay close attention today,” he assured her, “you’ll come out here with a lot of knowledge of how to handle” your newfound fame. 

You can practically hear Welch’s unspoken “OK, Boomer.”

What condescending pearls of wisdom does Maher offer the social media star? First, don’t let your “origin story” — the hawk tuah moment — define you. Do a Kim Kardashian: Get famous with a sexual video but move on to bigger and better things.

His next bit of advice: Do a podcast on Maher’s Club Random Network, but only “if you do it my way.” And what would the podcast be about? “Sex expert,” said Maher, completely invalidating his first suggestion. 

As Welch put her hand to her face, Maher tried to explain himself. “You were given the Chip of Fame,” he told her. “Now you want to trade that in for something that uses that but takes it to the next level. You have to trade on what you’re already known for. (Sex) is the one thing you’re known for.”

Especially because the 21-year-old Welch looks even younger than her age, it’s extremely creepy advice. “I don’t know where this is going,” she replied. “I’m kind of nervous.” 

Welch needs to set the young kids straight, Maher said. Take porn, for instance. “Porn is not benign,” lectured the former Playboy Mansion regular. “It has warped the minds of the kids in your generation, especially the guys.” 

Welch can’t stop giggling at Maher’s finger-wagging, which disqualified her for a job on the Club Random Network before she even applied. “You can’t be giggly,” he chided. “You can’t just be laughing at silly stuff.”

Too bad, she said. “I definitely would. I’m not a serious person.”

Maher had plenty more lecture left in him, but Welch found the most effective way possible to deflate him. “How old are you?” she asked Old Man Podcast.

Sixty-eight, Maher confessed.

“How do you feel about an 80-year-old woman?” Welch asked him, rightly recognizing that the 12-year age gap between Maher and her granny is much smaller than the massive 47-year chasm between Maher and herself.  

Maher almost choked on the suggestion. After an awkward pause, he lit up some pot, lamenting, “If only you knew the first thing about me.” 

“I’m not going to call you PawPaw,” she reassured him. “I might call you Grandpappy.”