Five Ancient Forms of the Diss Track
The public documentation of beef may have flourished in the age of hip-hop, but as long as people have been pissing each other off, they’ve availed themselves of artistic outlets for their frustration. In fact, the diss track is about as old as written language itself. It might not always be as stylish as modern productions, but it was often even more awesome.
Mesopotamian Scribes
Some of the first people to write stuff down, the scribes of Mesopotamia, underwent training as preadolescent boys. Naturally, it got juvenile, and occasionally Juvenile. Students frequently engaged in “a sort of freestyle, live diss track challenge” that would then be transcribed — you know, for practice. In one such incident, one student berates another, “You dolt! Numbskull! School pest! You illiterate! You Sumerian ignoramus!” To which the other student responds, “You go divide up in a state, but you are unable to divide up in a state!” It’s pretty clear who the Drake was there.
The Graffiti of Pompeii
An underrated feature of one of the best-preserved ancient cities is the graffiti that blankets it as heavily as volcanic ash, which proves that humanity has always been immature. It includes crude doodles and drive-by insults but also full-on spiteful arguments, such as one that began, “Successus the weaver loves the barmaid of the inn, called Iris, who doesn’t care for him, but he asks and she feels sorry for him.” Successus responded, “You’re jealous. Don’t try to muscle in on someone who’s better looking and is a wicked and charming man.” It was basically Biggie and Tupac.
Flyting
How many genres of entertainment have remained popular for eleven centuries? Between the fifth and sixteenth ones, flyting — a “form of highly poetic abuse” — was in England and Scotland. It may have even been the first time creative insults were traded for the explicit enjoyment of others, as one of the few surviving transcripts, The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedie, was performed for King James IV. One verse reads, “Gray-visaged gallows-bird, out of your wits gone wild / Loathsome and lousy, as wet as a cress / Since you with worship would so fain be styled/Hail, Monsignor! Your balls droop below your dress.” Get his ass.
Anglo-Saxon Bēots
Not all beef is delivered so directly; some of the best is cooked up in the privacy of the studio, or in the case of Anglo-Saxon warriors, the mead hall. It was common practice before a battle to pound some brews and pop off some bēots, literally “promise” but basically a declaration that you rule, someone else sucks, and you’re gonna kick their ass. It was even a device used in Beowulf, if disappointingly less bombastically.
Roman Insult Poetry
When it comes to sheer vulgarity, nothing (and no one, as they were sure to tell you) tops the Romans. They may have laid the foundation for modern civilization, but they were also pressed as hell. One of the most famous Roman insult poems, from a poet named Catullus addressed to Marcus Aurelius and fellow poet Marcus Furius Bibaculus, both begins and ends, “I will sodomize you and face-fuck you.” It was so important to convey, he made it the bread in a poetry sandwich.
If you take nothing else away from all this, let it be that the Ancient Romans understood and readily expressed the concept of face-fucking.
