The Five Best Nikki Glaser Burns at the ESPYs
Has Nikki Glaser singlehandedly revived the comedy roast?
Fresh off her star turn ripping a new one for NFL great Tom Brady (or as she calls him, “Gisele’s ex-husband”) on last month’s Netflix extravaganza, Glaser took to the ESPYs last night to lay waste to this year’s nominees for Best Male Athlete.
While the comedian might seem like an unusual choice as an ESPN presenter, Glaser has “actually been a huge fan of sports ever since I first watched Taylor Swift watch a football game.”
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Mahomes Is a Nepo Baby?
Watching Swift watch the Chiefs “changed my life because now I know who Patrick Mahomes is. Before I only knew him as the guy in the State Farm ads. And based on his acting, I just assumed he was the CEO’s son.”
Scottie Scheffler the Afterthought
“The nominees include peak athletes who pushed their bodies to the limit,” marveled Glaser. “And also a golfer.”
Scottie Scheffler the Alleged Felon
Glaser then worked to calm any professional golfers in the crowd who felt disrespected: “I do know that golfing is hard. There’s putting, chipping and driving — over a cop’s leg.”
Connor McDavid’s Ultimate Humiliation
Next, Glaser blasted hockey star Connor McDavid fresh off his Edmonton Oilers losing the Stanley Cup Final to the Florida Panthers. “Boy, Connor, that must have hurt,” she began. “To lose a game of ice hockey to a place that doesn’t even have ice. For now, the only Stanley Cup Connor will get to hold is the one his wife asks him to grab out of the cabinet.”
Shohei Ohtani’s Interpreter Wants to Know
Proving that no piece of sporting news is too dated to find its way into a roast, Glaser reignited a Los Angeles Dodgers scandal from earlier this spring. “No one is more excited to find out the (ESPY) winner than me,” she said. “Well, except for Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter because he’s got a lot of money riding on this.”
After ripping open the envelope, Glaser announced the winner as Patrick Mahomes, who wasn’t in attendance at the show. Accepting the award on his behalf was Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid, who seemed relieved that he didn’t get caught in the crossfire. After the comedian handed Reid the trophy, he exhaled and told the crowd, “I just appreciate she didn’t dismantle me up here.”
