14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About Spider-Man
Before it was a whole stupid cinematic universe that would publish any storyline at all just to make a few more bucks, Marvel was a series of comic books that, well, had the exact same MO. For example, they put ol’ Peter Parker through a lot of weird stuff to move a few units…
Spider-Man: Rock Reflections of A Superhero
First, the greatest Spider-Merch of all time: a 23-track vinyl album telling the ballad of Peter Parker through hokey-ass — but very polished — rock songs. Complete with narration by Stan Lee!
The Green Goblin Once Goblin-Blasted Gwen Stacy
In 2004’s Spider-Man Sins Past, it was established that Peter himself was a virgin, but Norman Osborn swooped in and hooked up with Gwen. He got her pregnant with twins, and raised them to hate Spider-Man.
Spider-Man Thought About Hooking Up with His Daughter
Those twins would grow up to become little supervillains themselves, hell-bent on murdering Spider-Man. But when they finally enact their diabolical plan, sparks fly between Spidey and the girl twin. They don’t know they’re related at the time, but still, man.
A Boozy Blackout Brainstorm Sesh Resulted in a Young, Busty Aunt May
Controversial Marvel writer Mark Millar said he was once tasked with creating a comic aimed at tween girls in the aughts. Romance comics were having a moment, and they knew they needed to ride that wave. So a few writers had a brainstorm meeting at a bar, blacked out and woke up to some notes about making Aunt May young and hot.
Aunt May Isn’t His Aunt — She’s His Deadbeat Mother
2003’s Trouble was the result of that brainstorm: a five-part prequel series that focused on Aunt May in her younger, more overtly buxom years. In this story, she gets knocked up, but can’t take care of baby Peter, so she dishes him off to her best friend. Responding to criticism, Millar said, “It’s not pornography” — okay, bad start — “it’s exactly what 12-year-old girls read.”
The Worst Villain in the Spider-Man-iverse Is a Guy Named Steve
In 1984, Marvel produced a one-off comic in conjunction with The National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse, about an older neighborhood boy who groomed Peter Parker with porn. It’s left a little ambiguous, but the reader can deduce that Steve molested Peter after gaining the trust of Aunt May and Uncle Ben.
Scratch That: The Worst Villain in the Spider-Man-iverse Is the Fandom
There’s a wing of the Spider-Man fan club who have spent their one wild and precious life gathering perceived evidence that Peter Parker made the whole Steve story up. They’re coming to the aid of a fictional child molester instead of just, you know, doing literally anything else.
Spider-Man Breaks the Cycle — In a Most Sus Way
That comic ends with Spider-Man witnessing a babysitter getting a bit overzealous in a tickle fight with a young kid. He swoops in to save the victim, and then… whisks him out into the night, away from all the other adults in his life.
Spidey Teamed Up with Planned Parenthood to Make a Very Confusing Sex-Ed Manual
In 1976’s Spider-Man vs. The Prodigy, the big bad goes from school to school, attempting to convince teens to rawdog, so he can enslave their unwanted children on his space plantation. It’s unclear if it’s intended to be an endorsement of oral sex, but Spider-Man saves the day by shooting webs down the guy’s throat.
Masturbation Won’t Make You Go Insane; That’s a Spider-Man Guarantee!
That Planned Parenthood one-shot ends with a list of bizarre advice that was actually pretty progressive for the 1970s. Chief among them: “Dreams, thoughts and wishes about sex are natural. Masturbation won’t make you insane or harm you in any other way.”
Gwen Stacy Was Packin’ Slacks in Mexico
Mexican comic publisher La Prensa was so good at slinging Spider-Man comics, Marvel allowed them to whip up their own random storylines — anything to sell more comics. Their two biggest additions to the canon were tons of characters plagiarized from other comics, and giving Gwen Stacy a humongo donker.
Spider-Man Had Beef with Obama and Biden
A 2009 issue of The Amazing Spider-Man showed Spidey punching Obama in the face (in his defense, he thought it was Chameleon in disguise), and then saying he mistook Biden for The Vulture.
Peter Parker Once Turned into an Actual Spider That Gave Birth to… Peter Parker
In 2004’s The Spectacular Spider-Man, Peter engages in some accidental adultery, causing him to slowly morph into a giant, disgusting spider. When he reaches full arachni-hood, in the very nick of time, just when you thought he was down and out, he… Oh, he dies. But then a fully-grown Peter Parker emerges from the hideous husk of the dead spider, and just kind of goes about his day.
Spider-Man Doinked Mary Jane to Death
2007’s Spider-Man: Reign took place in an alternate reality where Peter Parker gave up webslinging after Mary Jane died of cancer. He later finds that she got cancer in the first place from his radioactive bodily fluids. Canonically, it was from kissing, but like, c’mon.
