14 Somehow Totally Inappropriate Facts About the Bible
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How many foreskins is too many foreskins for a dowry? I’m thinking like a hundred, but I don’t want to overdo it.
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Dildoville Runs Afoul of God
Listing off all the reasons He’s cheesed off at the town of Judah, God says, “You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”
If Someone’s Wife Balltaps You, You’re Obligated to Cut Off Her Hand
There’s an oddly specific description of a brawl in Deuteronomy that involves one guy’s wife stepping in to grab his opponent’s junk: “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”
You May Be Forced to Marry Your Sister-in-Law
If you’ve ever lost a sibling, you know that the hardest part is his wife’s insistence on getting married and carrying on your family lineage together. If you start dragging your feet, she can go to your local assisted living center and get the oldheads involved: “And if the man does not wish to take his brother’s wife, then his brother’s wife shall go up to the gate to the elders and say, ‘My husband’s brother refuses to perpetuate his brother’s name in Israel; he will not perform the duty of a husband’s brother to me.’”
Having Trouble Deciding Where to Cum? The Bible Has a Suggestion…
There are more rules on having sex with your in-law: “So Judah told Onan, ‘Go and sleep with your brother’s widow; it’s the duty of a brother-in-law to keep your brother’s line alive.’ But Onan knew that the child wouldn’t be his, so whenever he slept with his brother’s widow, he spilled his semen on the ground so he wouldn’t produce a child for his brother. God was much offended by what he did and also took his life.”
In other words, God killed Onan for jizzing for funsies. This fear of dropping dead after a little harmless masturbation is behind a lot of people being fruitful and multiplying.
An Ode to Deer Boobies in Proverbs
This line about being faithful to your wife seems to veer off-message before it ever gets started: “A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
We Have to Talk About Lot
God sent two angels to crash at Lot’s place in Sodom to see what that whole scene was like. Once his neighbors found out he was harboring angels, they lined up around the block demanding to fuck them. Technically, they wanted to “know” them, but in the Bible, to “know” generally means to “fuck.”
Lot’s Counteroffer
He knew he’d probably get in trouble with The Big Guy, so in lieu of subjecting his angel guests to non-consensual group sex, he offered up his virgin daughters instead. The angels saw they weren’t getting anywhere with these guys, so they blinded everyone and let God destroy the whole city.
Lot’s Daughters’ Revenge
After their city is destroyed, Lot and his daughters go live in a cave somewhere. His daughters, on two consecutive nights, got him drunk and had sex with him, to “preserve our family line through our father.” Again, with the preserving of the family line.
A King Demanded a Dowry of 100 Foreskins
Remember David? The guy who slayed Goliath? King Saul’s daughter developed a humongo crush on him, but Saul was skeptical. To make sure this guy was good enough for his daughter, he sent him a message: “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’”
Moses’ Wife Circumcised Their Baby in the Middle of a Fight With God
After the whole burning bush thing, Moses and his wife headed back to Egypt to free the slaves. While they were camping out one night, God picked a fight with Moses and tried to straight-up kill him. Here was how his wife, Zipporah, handled the situation: “Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, ‘You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.’”
Ezekiel’s Weird Diatribe About Donkey Dongs
Ezekiel could have really used a private journal. Since he didn’t, we know exactly what he thought about the boobs and dongs of Egyptians: “When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.”
‘Song of Songs’ Is Impossibly Horny
This is supposed to be a man’s love letter to God, but like, no the fuck it isn’t. It includes lines like, “Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle,” and “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit” that make no sense in an un-horny, worshipful context.
...And It Gets Hornier from There
Another line from “Song of Songs” goes: “Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Sure, “come” and “blow” sound like innuendo to the modern brainrotted netizen, but these lines are unmistakable sexual metaphors in any literary context.
…And More Scatalogical
Laugh if you want to, but anyone who’s ever been constipated knows that sweet release when the suppository finally kicks in. It feels like an act of God: “My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.”
