Terrifying Swarms Coming Soon to an Apocalypse Near You
If you have the mysterious blood that makes bugs love to bite you, you’re well aware that their numbers tend to creep up in the summertime. For reasons unknown, however — climate change, coincidence, a vengeful god — summer 2024 is going to bring some uniquely terrifying swarms to the approximate location of your face. Keep several eyes out for…
Cicadas
Thanks to a once-in-two-centuries event in which two different broods of periodical cicadas are emerging from underground at the same time, trillions of the suckers have already descended upon the southern and central U.S. to terrorize residents with their screams. In fact, they’re even already dying off, but they’ve still got a good several weeks to go. In the meantime, the freaky little things have begun passing around a sexually transmitted disease that turns them into “zombies” and makes birds that eat them trip balls, so there’s still plenty of horror to go around.
Joro Spiders
How do you feel about the words “giant venomous flying spiders”? Not great? Well, we’ve got bad news if you live on the East Coast, where the Joro spider is currently spreading. The good news is they’re easy to spot, as their four-inch stripey legs and bright yellow bodies look straight out of a Tim Burton joint, and they aren’t actually dangerous to humans as long as they don’t scare you to death.
Spotted Lanternflies
Also cruising up the East Coast like an entomological road trip is the spotted lanternfly, which is similarly harmless to humans but will straight-up murder lots of important crops. They’re so deadly that transporting them across county lines is a crime in some places, and officials have encouraged residents in no uncertain terms to squish the bastards. If you’ve got any lethal rage to get out, that’s one way to do your civic duty and avoid your own Netflix true crime documentary.
Wild Pigs
Insects don’t have all the fun. Wild hogs, once contained safely in Florida where they belong, have already spread to 35 other states, and they’re only gonna prance farther. Experts are expecting a population boom that can only be described as a “feral swine bomb,” which in any just world would only be a kickass heavy metal band. Fortunately, while they tend to destroy crops and spread disease to porky pigs, they don’t pose much of a direct threat to humans, so go ahead and keep mocking the “30 to 50 feral hogs” guy.
