14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About Mario
Mario seems pretty straightforward, but canonically speaking, the dude is a total mess.
Mario Was Cucked by Peach’s First Boyfriend
The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach was a truly bonkers 1986 anime (and the world’s first video game-to-movie adaptation). Mario has the hots for Peach, and takes Luigi on an adventure to save her — only for her literal prince of a boyfriend to swoop in at the last second, just when he thought he’d gotten the girl.
His First Sidekick Was a Treacherous Screaming Caterpillar Dog
In the anime, a half-dog, half-Wiggler monstrosity named Kibidango enlists Mario’s help, through a series of grating yelps and screeches, to find Peach. It’s revealed at the very end that Kibidango is in fact Peach’s royal boyfriend, cosplaying as a helpless dog instead of saving the princess his own damn self.
Mario Kissed Toad, and Force-Fed Luigi Psychedelic Mushrooms
The anime, as you might expect, gets real weird. At one point Mario stuffs a mushroom into Luigi’s mouth, tells him to “mange!”, then massages his jaws and punches his head until he swallows. He also meets Toad (who happens to be a gorgeous lady Toadette), and they share a smooch.
The Triforce Originated in the Mario Universe
Shigeru Miyamoto is the mastermind behind both Mario and Zelda — in fact, the first Zelda game came out the same year as this anime (1986). Before he knew he had another massive hit on his hands with Zelda, Miyamoto slipped a magic wizard into this anime who tells Mario about the mystical Triforce. In this universe, it’s a mushroom, a fire flower and a star.
Super Mario Bros 2 Is a Lie
Nintendo thought the sequel they whipped up was too challenging for Americans, so they hastily reskinned a much easier game and called it a Mario. That’s why the aesthetics and gameplay are vastly different from most other early Mario games.
Mario Ice Capades
The Ice Capades, a campy traveling ice skating circus, made an elaborate Mario-themed show in the ‘90s that decimated all known canon. King Koopa dance-fought random computer doodads, and all the bad guys were taken out not by Mario, but by Luigi, who just shoots them with a huge gun. Jason Bateman and Alyssa Milano were there. It was a whole thing.
Mario Got His Genie Stroked by a Pirate
In the Mario manga, a pirate nemesis you’ve never heard of named Captain Syrup notices a bulge in Mario’s crotch, becomes convinced that he’s hiding a magic lamp in there and vigorously rubs his overalls (to apparent completion). Peach is watching from the sidelines, and kind of seems to enjoy it. Slay cuckquean.
Mario Always Keeps a Spoon in His Ass, and a Power Drill in His Nutsack
Japan’s version of the NES, the Famicon, had satellite internet back in 1995. Besides cool games we never got here in the U.S., they also used their Satellaview technology to deliver comics and other content to the gaming masses. One comic strip revolved around Mario escaping prison using the spoon and power drill he keeps on/in him at all times.
Mario Murdered Toad Because He Went Down on Peach
Another episode of that same comic was about Mario walking in on Peach and Toad getting busy. He responds by murdering them both, lighting up a cigarette and introducing their ghosts to his new girlfriend — Bowser.
Mario Infiltrated a Pack of Orphans to Deliver a Misguided Sex Ed Lesson
A bizarre 1994 Donkey Kong strategy guide featured a comic strip about Mario and DK Jr. shaving their bodies in order to be accepted by a group of orphaned children. After fending off some predatory adults, Mario tells the kids, “You guys wouldn’t be endangered if you could just find some girls and mate with them.”
Yoshis Are Canonically Racist
German magazine Club Nintendo printed a comic about a multi-colored pack of Yoshis meeting a black Yoshi for the first time. They tried to scrub his skin while spouting off all the stereotypes they’d made up about black Yoshis, but ultimately decide he’s okay by them after he saves them from Baby Bowser.
Nintendo Owns a Super Mario Porn Parody
Super Hornio Bros was a 1993 porn parody starring none other than disgraced porn star Ron Jeremy. The 1993 feature film Super Mario Bros. was already in development, so Nintendo decided their best bet was to catch and kill this porno.
In a Sense, That Makes Hornio’s Adventures Canon
The plot of Super Hornio Bros is only marginally more advanced than the Ice Capades adventure. Hornio and Squeegee orgasm into the video game realm, where they encounter the Bondage Queen, Virus Man and King Pooper. Pooper’s plan, by the way, was to collect a bathtub full of human sperm, impregnate human sex workers, which would somehow create an army of Koopalings. Also, Hornio was green and Squeegee was red. Did no one consult the source material?
Mario’s Full Name Is Mario Mario
They’re the “Mario Brothers,” implying that his name is Mario Mario, and Luigi’s last name is his brother’s first name. That’s fucked up, man.
