The 7 Most Unhinged Commencement Speeches in Graduation History
Headlines have been made around the recent commencement speech given at Ohio State University by… Chris Pan?
If you don’t recognize that name, you’re not alone. This isn’t a great intellectual that simply doesn’t have the name recognition they deserve, but someone whose self-described occupation is “social entrepreneur,” which would be a warning sign on a dating profile, much less a resume. I guess he did have a chance to be surprisingly eloquent, but unfortunately, the headlines are very much on the opposite side of the spectrum.
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So, let’s take a look at his, and other, unhinged commencement speeches from history…
Chris Pan
The current talk of the town for all the wrong reasons. The exact process through which Pan was chosen as the commencement speaker is still cloudy at best. Nevertheless, Pan was chosen to join the ranks of speakers like Neil Armstrong, Barack Obama and Bill Cosby (the only speech his will likely age better than). The speech he gave was, as he proudly proclaimed, written while under the influence of ayahuasca. Though no additional information was needed to know it was probably written on something, as it included a strange sing-along, SEAL breathing exercises and repeated hard sells of cryptocurrency. Telling students who just racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to put the rest into Bitcoin? Not exactly setting them on the path to greatness.
Kermit the Frog
The commencement speaker at Southampton College in 1996 was probably their shortest speaker, and definitely the greenest: Kermit the Frog. It’s also very likely the only commencement address given by someone who actively has a hand stuck inside their ass. The speech itself isn’t particularly outrageous, though it does include a remarkable amount of amphibian-specific advice. I’m just saying, capping off four years of hard work by listening to a frog dispense life lessons through a disastrous hangover? Not the most motivating thing I could imagine.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star
Another commencement speech given by a cartoon character, though at least they left the costumes at home. The University of Vermont’s 2012 commencement speech was delivered by alum and president of Nickelodeon, Cyma Zarghami, along with two co-speakers: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star. Their voice actors, Tom Kenny and Bill Fagerbakke, spoke — and unfortunately, rapped — in character as the two seafloor celebrities. Cartoons aside, it’s sadly on-the-nose to have a commencement speech given by a fast-food worker and his unemployed friend.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Apparently, an astounding amount of commencement speeches have been given by alter egos. When Sacha Baron Cohen gave a commencement speech in 2004, he did so as his character Ali G, complete with chains and streetwear. He likely still holds the distinction of being the only person to mime sexual activity during a commencement speech. Even better is that this was all delivered at that hallowed incubator of future SNL writers and war criminals — Harvard University.
Flo from Progressive
Look, I don’t want to come too hard at Stephanie Courtney, better known as Flo from the Progressive ads. She’s been dealt a weird hand, one that includes things like being described as “better known as Flo from the Progressive ads.” The speech wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, and probably included more useful advice than others on this list. Still, it’s just weird to use her as an example of a recent grad’s moonshot ideals. Also the fact that it sort of makes your commencement speech a little bit of an ad for insurance?
Matthew McConaughey
This wasn’t a speech short on either inspiration or charisma. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t also incredibly strange at points. I doubt anyone was upset, since if you ask Matthew McConaughey to deliver a speech, you’re pretty much getting what it says on the tin. It wasn’t unsuccessful, even getting chopped up and repurposed by scarily aggressive motivational YouTube channels. However, it also has some slightly off-kilter bits, like talking about the two hungry wolves inside of you, and mentioning 9/11 out of nowhere and immediately moving on.
Robert De Niro
Similar to McConaughey, it’s not the sentiment of Robert De Niro’s speech at NYU that’s unhinged, but the choice of language. Specifically, how colorful it was. He didn’t even make it 50 words before dropping an f-bomb, telling the Tisch graduates that they were, and I quote, “fucked.” Points for honesty at least.
