15 Out-of-Context Jokes and Quotes From ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has been on the cutting edge of acerbic, absurdist comedy since it premiered in 2005. In fact, the Paddy’s Pub crew is still shocking audiences, and clapping back at dinosaurs, to this very day. Here are some of their most bizarre jokes and exchanges…
The Start of Charlie and the Waitress’ Will-They-Won’t-They
Charlie: Well, now that you know that I’m not racist, you and I could maybe go on a little…
The Waitress: Dude. N-O. How many times do I have to say it to you?
Charlie: One time is fine.
The Waitress: Well, apparently one time is not fine…
Charlie: Well, no. One time per time I ask you.
Dee and Dennis in a Battle of Wits
Dee: I actually majored in psych, so…
Dennis: You failed all your classes.
Dee: So?
Dennis: I had a minor, and I passed all mine.
Dee: Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis: I don’t even know how to respond to that.
Dee: That doesn’t surprise me.
Dennis: Well, it shouldn’t because what you said is really dumb
Frank Reynolds’ Triumphant Debut
Frank: Your mother’s dead.
Dee/Dennis: No. What? Oh my God.
Frank: No, she’s not dead. We’re gettin’ divorced though.
Charlie Summing Up the American Health-Care System
“Oh, look at me! The millionaire who goes to see doctors!”
Charlie Knows How to Get a Girl
“Yeah, I lied to you, all right? Look. The girl… she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Okay? So I tell you that I have cancer, right? Then you’re gonna tell her, she’s gonna feel sorry for me, we’re gonna start dating, and that’s the way that life works, man!”
Dennis Learning Kindness and Empathy
“The old Dennis would have said, ‘Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It’s pathetic.’ But the new Dennis says that it’s not my place to kill your pipe dreams.”
Dennis Couldn’t Pull Mac’s Mom
Dennis: Why don’t we go inside and have a little fun?
Mac’s Mom: Don’t find you attractive.
Dennis: What?
Mac’s Mom: I think you’re an ugly man.
Dennis: You think I’m ugly?
Mac’s Mom: Yeah.
Dennis: I’m not ugly. You’re ugly.
Mac’s Mom: Yeah.
Dennis: Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman?
The Waitress, Describing Sex With Danny DeVito
“That’s right, I had sex with your father. Because, just like you, I like my sex old and ugly. And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you’re having sex with ‘em.”
Dee Bonding With Frank
“Oh, I have an idea, dad. Why don’t you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag?”
Charlie Kelly, Political Speechwriter
“Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I’m hot. Taxes: they’ll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.”
Charlie’s Patriotic Anthem
“I’m gonna rise up. I’m gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an Eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt; I’m gonna drive a big truck; I’m gonna rule this world. Gonna kick some ass, gonna rise up; I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!”
Charlie’s Performance Enhancing Drug
Charlie: You want to huff some of this glue with me?
Mac: No! Put the glue away!
Charlie: Please. Huff a little with me, dude.
Mac: Alright, fine!
Charlie: We just need to keep an edge. We got to stay hard, dude, because you can’t do it if…
Mac: This is Elmer’s glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!
Charlie Adds to His Collection of Cursed Sharp Objects
Dennis: That’s a great looking set of knives, pal. Where’d you get those?
Charlie: This old magician was trying to unload ’em.
Mac Trying to Make New Friends
“What up? We’re three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion. Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged. If you’re fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things. Again… nothing sexual.”
Frank Sacrificed for His Country
Frank: Look, I didn’t go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
