The 19 Most Devastating Burns at Tom Brady’s Netflix Roast, Plus the One That Went Too Hard
The roast of Tom Brady clocked in at three hours, about the length of an average NFL game, and the hits were just as devastating. Brady, who’d told Roastmaster General Jeff Ross beforehand that no subject was off-limits, at times seemed unprepared for the onslaught of personal assaults, even getting out of his chair to declare one insult out of bounds.
Hey, Tom, you asked for full-contact drills, and you got ‘em.
Here are 19 times Brady got absolutely jacked up, plus the one joke he had to blow the whistle on…
Julian Edelman
“Or as I like to call (Brady), Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.”
Nikki Glaser
“Your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” (Brady’s ex, Gisele Bündchen, is seeing a jiu-jitsu instructor.)
Jeff Ross
“I’ve just come from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.”
Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer
“The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.”
Nikki Glaser
“You have seven rings — well, eight now that Giselle gave hers back.”
Drew Bledsoe
“A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady. So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you — they’re correct.”
Randy Moss
“Before I got to the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, we heard about Deflategate. So I only got one question for you, Tom: Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?”
Kevin Hart
“It’s been two years since Tom has gotten divorced. And since then, Tom’s been fucking. Tom has been putting that two-inch tool to work. Tom has been fucking so much, his dick has gotten CTE.”
Andrew Schulz
“This stage has seen more trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.”
Kevin Hart
“When you got a chance to go 8 and 9 (Tampa Bay’s 2022 record) and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do it.”
Jeff Ross
“Tom was eventually 199th in the NFL Draft. He sat there for days, waiting and waiting, and then you were finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.”
Drew Bledsoe
“Look, buddy, you have more rings than I do. But I’ve experienced a couple of things that you will never experience: The feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL and a 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.”
Nikki Glaser
“Tom lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money.’”
Rob Gronkowski
“Let’s talk about my designated driver, Tom Brady. We played together for 11 years, and I barely know this guy.”
Peyton Manning
“My (golf) handicap is a 6.4. Tom’s handicap is blowing leads to my brother Eli in the Super Bowl.”
Nikki Glaser
“Tom, you’re the best to ever play for too long. You retired, then came back, then retired. I get it. It’s hard to walk away from something that isn’t your pregnant girlfriend. To be fair, he didn’t know. He just thought she was getting fat.” (Brady broke up with Bridget Moynahan before either knew she was expecting.)
Bill Belichick
“For all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time when Tom and I were there: Was it Brady? Was it me? Was it Brady? Was it me? In reality, the truth of the matter is it was both of us. Because of me.”
Julian Edelman
“I know there’s going to be a lot of jokes about me being gay for Tom. Well, let me set the record straight: Those balls weren’t going to deflate themselves.”
Jeff Ross
“I really wanted you to be our first G.O.A.T. to be roasted because you’re an example to future generations that if you work hard, eat right, film the other team’s practices, deflate the balls and have the NFL make new rules just for you, then you too can be the third most famous guy in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.”
And the One That Brady Said Went Too Far
The comics and athletes also laid the wood to others on the dais, including New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who made headlines in 2019 when he was charged with attempting to solicit prostitution. That prompted Ross to pretend to be Brady addressing Kraft: “‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?’”
Brady stormed at Ross to defend the man who signed his paycheck for decades and warned, “Don’t say that shit again.”
