Rob Schneider Pivots From Cancel Culture Comedy to His Other Shtick

Now that the anti-woke crowd is tired of Rob Schneider, too, he’s returning to the industry that will accept anyone, regardless of their lack of talent — Christian entertainment.

Earlier this month, Schneider had a minor meltdown after reports came out that he was kicked out of a holiday gala for influential Republicans in Washington, D.C. late last year for performing a set that was described as “gross and vulgar” by Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, who was one of many unamused conservatives to walk out of the performance. Schneider immediately went on the offensive, attacking journalists over the details of his alleged expulsion from the event and even posting a headshot of the event’s organizer on Twitter with a caption calling the night’s attendees “this group of pussies and professional political asskissers.” However, the conservative comedian’s efforts to alienate the Fox News crowd was, objectively, a poor career move considering that Schneider’s current audience is made up entirely of those same “asskissers” who kicked him out of their Christmas party. So, Schneider turned to Christ himself for his next project.

Yesterday, Schneider, a recent Catholic convert, told Catholic media outlet ChurchPOP that he’s currently working on a script for a feature film about the Shroud of Turin, a Catholic artifact that supposedly covered the body of Christ after his crucifixion. I guess the idea is that Schneider’s movie career will rise from the dead, too.

The Shroud, which is housed in the Chapel of the Holy Shroud in Turin, Italy, bears a faint image that believers interpret as the body/face of Jesus Christ miraculously imprinted upon the linen. Schneider attributes the Shroud of Turin for his recent turn to Catholicism, as well as the inspiration for his current screenwriting project. 

"Hopefully, this movie about the Shroud will happen because I think it's about faith," Schneider told ChurchPOP of his new project, saying of the Shroud of Turin, "I think we need that and to bring more people to it and not necessarily to preach to them, but to just show the actual sacrifice and to talk about what the core of Christianity is — loving others." That is, unless they don’t like your Korean whorehouse joke. Schneider also called the Shroud "a receipt of the price Jesus paid," saying that he’s close to the end of the pre-production phase for his film about the artifact. 

Now, as has been the case with many different issues throughout history dating back to the days of Galileo, the Catholic stance on the shroud’s authenticity is at odds with scientific findings, as carbon dating on the cloth performed by three separate laboratories places its origin around the end of the 13th century (shortly before its first documented appearance). Schneider plans to address the skepticism surrounding the Shroud in the movie, which will center around a “Shroud expert” named Joe Marino “who basically proved scientists tested the cloth in the wrong place.”

"They didn't put into their equation in the carbon dating that the French nuns had repaired this cloth with newer cloth and it is what the French called an 'invisible weave,'” Schneider argued, "And so they had new cloth and new strands of cloth that were weaved into this 2000-year-old Egyptian linen. And so that threw off the carbon dating. So each of the pieces that were cut, and the deeper that it went in, the further it went back in time.”

The simplest explanation for this discrepancy isn’t that three separate radiocarbon dating labs all did their jobs incorrectly and no one ever bothered to correct them. Instead, it’s much more likely that a medieval charlatan with an interesting piece of linen successfully tricked the faithful into buying his bill of goods despite an objective lack of substance. Therefore, the Shroud of Turin isn’t a physical manifestation of Christ’s sacrifice as much as it is a metaphor for Schneider’s upcoming Christian movie career.