Some Unsolicited Premises for the Producers of the Jon Snow ‘Game of Thrones’ Spin-off

In case you blocked it out, Game of Thrones ends with Jon Snow being sent back to the Night’s Watch, because you just can’t kill your monarch/aunt/lover even if they commit a fascist act and expect to get away with it. Jon’s continued adventures at and beyond the Wall seem like ripe spin-off territory, since the fuckery going on up there was often more interesting than any of the actual throne stuff down south, and initially, HBO agreed. 

Unfortunately, Kit Harington has announced that the Jon Snow spin-off has been shelved indefinitely because they “couldn’t find the right story to tell,” which is just silly. There are plenty of directions to take The Jon Snow Show that people would watch the hell out of. Here’s what we’ve been batting around…

Tyrion pointed out in the final episode that “just because winter’s over doesn’t mean it won’t come again,” and the primary method by which the Night’s Watch defends Westeros against winter (i.e., zombies) is that big ol’ wall. But the Night King destroyed the Wall, so it’s going to have to be rebuilt, presumably not without wacky hijinks. There could be ice block supply chain issues, schemes to make it look like they’re further along than they are for ruthless inspectors, unseasonable warm snaps that force them to just blow on it to keep it cold. The possibilities are endless!

Speaking of nasties beyond the Wall, this is a world with dragons and giants and magical wolves. There must be some weird shit up there. There’s not a lot to range for out there now that the Night’s Watch and the wildlings are getting along, so why not send the boys to fight off the monster of the week (that is, the dumbest animals George R.R. Martin can come up with)? 

Having invented oral sex, Jon Snow invents several other kinds of sex. Every week, he just invents a new kind of sex.

After we last saw him venturing forth beyond the Wall, Jon promptly gets lost, drops his plot armor, and has to fight his way back like The Revenant. Obviously, Tormund has abandoned him immediately. Speaking of whom…

Be honest. This is what we all really want.