4 Times When Kyle Was Worse Than Cartman on ‘South Park’
For all the awful crimes against humanity that Eric Cartman has committed on South Park, at least he’s never managed to get any nukes launched — if he did, he wouldn’t need Cthulhu to level San Francisco.
On South Park, no one gets the worst of Cartman’s bad behavior quite like Kyall. Simply by being born both Jewish and ginger, Kyle Broflovski has had a target on his back for 26 seasons, and Cartman has hit that target with as many HIV-filled syringes as his fat little body can handle, unleashing unconscionable insults and actions on his least-favorite friend at every possible opportunity. Cartman’s villainy against Kyle is so severe that, when Cartman gets his own theme park in “Cartmanland,” Kyle nearly succumbs to a deadly hemorrhoid just to escape a world where Cartman gets what he wants.
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However, simply being Cartman’s biggest victim doesn’t mean that Kyle is completely clear of wrongdoing. Don’t be fooled by his oppression, this third-grader has plenty of blood on his hands — most of it Canadian. Here are the top moments when Kyle was even more evil than Cartman, starting with…
Kyle Kicked the Baby
It’s funny how, if you only watched the very first scene in the entire South Park series, you might just think that the biggest asshole in the group is Kyle, who introduced himself to television by punting his baby brother Ike into a couple of mailboxes. “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe” opens with Kyle initially defending his adopted brother against Cartman’s insults before using Ike as a bludgeoning weapon to beat Cartman unconscious, then kicking the baby against the baby’s wishes.
Interestingly enough, the first South Park scene in existence is also the first South Park scene to face censorship, as its Canadian TV network insisted that both the baby-kick and the dildo talk must be cut from the pilot before broadcast. But don’t worry — Kyle eventually got his revenge on Canada.
Kyle Tried to Murder the Fab Five With Mr. Garrison
To be fair, the gay men behind the metrosexuality fad at South Park Elementary in “South Park Is Gay!” weren't gay men at all — they were Crab People, Crab People, look like crab, talk like people. However, when Kyle, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave flew to Manhattan with the intention of murdering the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy hosts, none of them knew that. When it comes to this poorly-aged episode, the benefit of hindsight doesn’t change the discomfort of its statements on masculinity, nor does it absolve Kyle of attempted murder just because he lucked out and uncovered a crustacean plot for world domination.
Kyle Laughed at Cartman’s HIV Diagnosis
Yes, of course, Cartman’s retaliation to Kyle’s uncontrollable giggling in the Season 12 classic “Tonsil Trouble” was far worse than a chronic bullying victim finding joy in his tormentor’s suffering. But, for one brief moment, Cartman had the absolute moral high ground on Kyle. In a vacuum, Cartman’s declaration that, “Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny, nobody! It’s awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion,” is a perfectly valid response to Kyle’s inappropriate reaction to his diagnosis. But, of course, this is Cartman we’re talking about, and a dramatic over-escalation to disrespect isn’t just a sure thing — it’s HIV positively guaranteed.
Kyle (Kinda) Instructed the President to Nuke Toronto
Technically, that’s not exactly what Kyle told President Garrison to do at the end of the Season 21 episode “SUPER HARD PCness” — he just told Garrison that Canadian influence “needs to be erased from the Earth,” and the president did exactly that with the tools he had on hand. The entire arc of Cartman and Heidi’s relationship coupled with Kyle’s unrequited feelings for his greatest enemy’s girlfriend caused Kyle untold heartache, but that’s no excuse for ending his war against bullying, “Terrance and Phillip” and fart attacks with the not-so-silent and very deadly nuclear option.
Kyle did spend the next episode, “Splatty Tomato,” depressed about his role in the annihilation, but sulking doesn’t bring back millions of Canadians from the dead, buddy.
