Here’s Why eBay Will Not Allow You to Sell Your Soul
With tax season upon us, especially for those of us who are freelancers (and thus bled like pigs by Uncle Sam), it is not a financially fun time. If you haven’t been saving up diligently over the course of the year, because you’re not a huge narc, you might need some cash fast. Time for a quick scan of your apartment for valuable things you haven’t used in years that can find a second life… somewhere else, for money. Digital keyboard from when you thought you were going to “teach yourself piano”? See ya, feeble attempt to better myself, you’re worth $400!
Of course, given the husk of an economy bequeathed to our generation, there’s a chance that you might not have a lot of possessions anyone would want, period. The most valuable thing you own might be the PS5 you’re still paying off on Klarna. In which case, you might think the solution is to go full Faust mode, and attempt to sell your soul. Unfortunately, if that’s your choice, you’re going to have to head down to your local crossroads with a bag full of cat bones, because eBay has already covered — and banned — this specific sort of metaphysical parlay.
People have tried it a number of times, and eBay has taken down the listings without fail. In a hat-tip-worthy bit of legal maneuvering, they ban it because they don’t allow the sale of anything that isn’t either a physical (or digital) item or a service. Then, they went one further, I assume getting out ahead of somebody who claimed to have shoved their soul into a jar like leftover bolognese, clarifying that if the soul did exist physically, it would violate their rule against selling human parts and remains — a rule that they’ve already had to establish thanks to people being freaks.
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Via Business Insider, here’s eBay’s official statement: “eBay does not allow the auctioning of human souls for the following reasons: If the soul does not exist, eBay could not allow the auctioning of the soul because there would be nothing to sell. However, if the soul does exist then, in accordance with eBay’s policy on human parts and remains, we would not allow the auctioning of human souls.”
Aw, nuts! Back to googling “Lyft driver salary 12 hours day 2 months,” I guess. Though, honestly, if you are going to sell your soul, I’m not sure eBay is where you’re going to get the most value. Instead, dial up the man downstairs, and you could be a rock star for the rest of your life, as long as you’re willing to be chased down and eaten by hellhounds when the contract pings. Which it to say: Selling to eBay is like taking a Rolex to Goodwill.
