18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 26, 2023
Have you ever played the board game Hungry Hungry Hippos as a kid? Have you ever wondered what made those hippos so hungry in the first place? It was probably because their diet was measly marbles in the first place. I mean, look at them. No hippo is naturally pink, yellow, green or anything but hues of gray and brown in the wild. Anyway, you’re probably hungry hungry for jokes, so here are some ones that will fill you up quite nicely…
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Jamie Foxx on Giraffes
“The first time I saw a giraffe in the wild, I got horny. Because it looked like a woman. It had those long-ass legs and its ass all up in the air. It got those long eyelashes, and it’s looking at me. I said, ‘You’re gonna get a giraffe baby in your ass if you keep looking at me.”
Sureni Weerasekera on Having Sex with a Cop
“Isn’t that the best cop to fuck — a Black, gay woman? Isn’t that the least problematic cop to fuck? That’s like fucking a Native American real estate agent. All I’m saying is a cop in the sheets is one less cop in the streets.”
Tone Bell Doesn’t Understand Workout Addicts
“I have a friend who goes to the gym twice a day, before work and after work. I’m like, ‘You work for State Farm; who are you trying to be? You’re doing two-a-days? Look, man, just do 10 more the first trip.’”
Sheng Wang on His Landlord
“When I first moved to New York, I didn’t know that every time you renew your lease in New York City, the rent has to go up every time. New York City landlords are like, ‘You have one year to get 10 percent better!’ My parents never gave me that kind of pressure. I felt like I was in New York City trying to make my landlord proud. I felt like I was trying to buy my landlord a house.”
Kate Berlant on Cosmetics
“I believe 100 percent that women have the right to steal cosmetics. The situation is that women, sometimes upon birth, are forced into an economy in which you pay for your own subjectivity constantly. So if you don’t have any creams, powders or lotions, then the state won’t recognize you, and you can’t get a job. It gets violent.”
Jonah Ray on Women Breaking Up
“Girls gear up for a breakup. The amount of time a breakup happens for a girl or a guy is the same amount, but it happens three months before the guy knows what’s going on. If you’re with a girl and she’s crying randomly, she’s going through a breakup. I know you’re together, but she’s going through a breakup right now.”
Nataly Aukar Is a War Refugee
“I was a war refugee. I don’t look like a war refugee. I look like someone would tell me they were a war refugee, and I’d be like, ‘Oh my god, my family moved us around a lot as kids, so I get it.’”
Cristela Alonzo on the Past
“You know what pissed me off? When people said, ‘We need to get back to the good old days.’ You ever notice it’s only white people saying that shit? Brown people, when was our ‘good old days’? I’m Latina, when was our ‘good old days’? When JLo became Selena? That’s what we get?”
Suzy Izzard on Dictators
“Stalin killed many millions — died in his bed. Well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians — died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we’re sort of fine with that. ‘Ah, help yourself. We’ve been trying to kill you for ages, so you kill your own people? *Mumble* Hitler killed people next door. Stupid man.’ After a couple years, we won’t stand for that, will we?”
Tom Segura on In-N-Out Burger
“If you’ve never been to In-N-Out, get your fucking life together and go. And I want you to go simply so you experience the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food. As you pull up and go, ‘I’ll have a Double-Double, fries, and a Coke,’ and they go, ‘Will you be eating in the car?’”
Kyle Kinane on Spider Bites
“I got bit by a spider on Friday. I’m not a fan of comic books, so I can’t make that kind of joke, so if anyone here is a fan of Spider-Man comics, I’d like to know how long Peter Parker had diarrhea before the cool shit started happening.”
Dave Chappelle on Donald Trump
“And then (Trump) said, ‘If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won’t because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.’ And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, ‘We’re doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house!’ Then went right back into that house to start playing the game again.”
Richard Lewis on Food
“My grandparents — life was food. I go, ‘Grandma, I don’t feel well. I’m suicidal.’ She says, ‘You’re hungry. You’re just hungry.’”
Rodney Dangerfield on Winning
“My mom took me to a dog show, and I won!”
Iliza Shlesinger on How Women Eat
“Once you’re in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can run a trough at mealtime; it doesn’t matter. You can put your hands behind your back and eat county fair pie-eating contest-style. Once you’re in love, you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizard you actually are!”
Billy Connolly on Sex
“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”
Jim Gaffigan on Mexican Food in Indiana
“Mexican food’s great, but it’s essentially all the same ingredients, so as a waiter, you’d have to deal with these stupid questions. People are like, ‘What are nachos?’
“‘Nachos? It’s a tortilla with cheese, meat or vegetables.’
“‘What is a burrito?’
“‘Tortilla with cheese, meat or vegetables.’
“‘What is a tostada?’
“‘Tortilla with cheese, meat or vegetables.’
“‘What is—’
“‘Look! It’s all the same!’”
Roy Wood Jr. on Black British Actors
“Every Black person remember the day they found out Idris Elba wasn’t from Baltimore. That was a troubling day in the Black American community. That’s like finding out your daddy wasn’t your daddy.”
