18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 24, 2023
“Laughter is the best medicine.” Well, I mean, in the United States it kinda is, on account of how damn expensive even the most rudimentary health care can be. So, to stay healthy, it might be good to read up on these jokes and help keep your immune system up to par. Or go to a real doctor. Probably should do that, actually. You can read these jokes in the waiting room.
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Tom Papa on Old-Timey Medicine
“Your life expectancy in the good old days? Twenty-eight years old! Hospitals were a nightmare. All they did was cut your leg off. Didn’t matter what you had. A broken arm? The flu? You walked in, you hopped back out!”
Jaboukie Young-White on His Attractiveness
“On a 1-to-10 scale, I don’t think that I could model, but I could definitely end a Republican senator’s career.”
Kyle Kinane on His ‘Wealth’
“I have more money than I have ever had in my entire life right now. Before you get excited, it’s not a lot of money. I can confidently put a down payment on an ‘09 Camry right now. Cloth seats. I mean, as far as the payments? Who knows? I don’t know, that thing’s gonna get repossessed by December, probably.”
Rodney Dangerfield Bonding with His Father
“I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”
Earthquake on Treadmills
“Trying to work out, but it’s not working out. You don’t know how long a minute is until you’re on that treadmill. Stayed on the treadmill, and it said I only lost 15 calories. I ate that on the way here. I went to the gym and gained weight.”
Wendy Liebman on Her Childhood
“Most of my childhood is a big blur, ‘cause I needed better glasses.”
Anthony Jeselnik on Suicide
“I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation, so if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”
Anthony Rodia on Skip-It
“Anybody have Skip-It? I tried to explain to my daughter, and she’s like, ‘That’s abuse.’ I said, ‘I know.’ Parents bought it so kids would beat the shit out of themselves.”
Joe Zimmerman on America’s Tax System
“In other countries, the government will tell you what you owe, and then you just have to pay it. Here, our government is like, ‘Okay. What do you think you owe us?’
“‘I have no idea, just tell me.’
“‘Nope, you got to add it up. And then give it.’
“‘Well, I’m really unorganized; what happens if I add it up wrong?’
“‘You could go to jail.’
“‘That’s terrifying. Please, I’ll pay whatever you want. Just tell me.’
“‘Nope, guess.’”
Mitch Hedberg on Flyers
“When someone hands me a flyer on the street, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.’”
Teddy Ray on His Eczema
“I had bad eczema growing up. I was about to hop on the bus before the doors could close; one of the homies yelled out, ‘Hey! You need an ocean of lotion!’ And then the doors just closed. Then I was on the bus just puzzled like, ‘Did he just rhyme?’ He can talk about me, but don’t make it rhyme.”
Nick Kroll on His Attractiveness
“I do everything in my power to be as attractive as possible, and tonight, that’s to look like one of Christopher from The Sopranos’ friends.”
John Mulaney on Not Being Asian-American
“When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian-American.”
Taylor Tomlinson Unfollows Her Exes
“I have to unfollow exes after we break up. My friend is still following an ex-boyfriend because they’re on good terms, and he just posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend. She called me crying, and she’s like, ‘It’s just hard, you know? Is it crazy that I’m upset like that?’ I’m like, ‘Are you kidding me? No, I get pissed when my ex posts a picture of him in a new shirt.’ I’m like, ‘OH, YOU’RE A BUTTON-UP GUY NOW? JUST KEEPING THAT IN YOUR BACK POCKET, JUST WAITING UNTIL I WAS GONE TO SLIP INTO THAT SHIT.’”
Ralph Barbosa’s Yelp Review of His Doctor
“This man was my doctor for the last 12 years, and I am still diabetic. One star.”
Ms. Pat on Middle-Aged Road Head
“Middle-age women, please stop trying to compete with young girls; you’re not going to win. They can do shit we can’t do y’all. Like suck dick in the car while it’s still moving. If I did that shit, my vertigo would have gone fuck up, and I’d throw up on that dick.”
Ronny Chieng on Asian Parents
“When Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, ‘helping people’ is on the bottom of the list of reasons, if it even makes the list of reasons to go into medicine. ‘Helping people’ is the unfortunate byproduct of becoming a health-care professional.”
Chris Rock on the Police
“Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same thing: ‘Well, it’s not most cops, it’s just a few bad apples.’ Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for ‘murderer.’ How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple.’ That almost sounds nice. I mean, I had a bad apple. It was tart, but it didn’t choke me out.”
