18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 19, 2023
Can we get something off our chest? The word is “vampire,” not “Dracula.” Dracula is a vampire, but not all vampires are named Dracula. Stop it. You sound like those ridiculous people who call all athletics “sportsball.” Now that we got that out of the way, here are some jokes.
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Kyle Kinane on Domino’s Pizza
“I thought I had it all figured out for a while there, then I was delivered an unsliced pizza. Everything you believe in just unravels. Everything you hold true. To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake. Not me. I took it personally. I was like, that’s somebody down at Domino’s making a judgment call on my life. That’s somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like, ‘Listen, man, we know that you’re probably gonna eat this by yourself. More than likely, all in one sitting too, so… You know what to do, man. Just fold it in half and… bon appétit.’ Just ’cause they were right, I didn’t appreciate the assumption. ‘You don’t know me, Domino’s! Plumph! This giant taco tastes like Italy!’”
Steven Wright on Parking
“I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
Chelsea Handler on Vibrators
“I got some pretty bad news today from my gynecologist, who told me I got herpes from my vibrator. That’s the last time I’ll buy anything from eBay.”
Demetri Martin on Work Life
“Employee of the Month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
John Leguizamo on His First Masturbation Experience
“I was about 12 years old when I first accidentally masturbated. ’Cause I was just cleaning it, and it went off.”
Sara Hennessy on Summer Camp
“When I went to camp as a kid, it was super stressful, and I think it was because I was a child ripped away from my family and shoved into the woods.”
Anthony Jeselnik on Timely Humor
“I don’t believe in ‘too soon.’ I’m on a tight schedule. The day of the Aurora, Colorado, Batman movie theater shooting — the day it happened — I went online. I went on Twitter, and I tweeted, ‘Other than that, how was the movie?’”
Ardal O’Hanlon on Marriage
“Marriage is when two people are joined together to become one desperately boring person.”
Hannibal Buress on the Worst Date Ever
“I was in the car with three strange women. I thought I had a good shot with the woman in the back seat with me, but once the car accident happened, it kinda threw everything off. It’s hard to jump back in the game after you’ve been in the ER for 10 hours. You can’t just pop off the stitches and be like, ‘So where were we?’”
Jack Whitehall on His Dad
“I’m sure wherever my father is, he would be looking down on us. He’s not dead — just very condescending.”
Mitch Hedberg on Hope
“I opened up a yogurt, and under the lid, it said, ‘PLEASE TRY AGAIN.’ They were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might’ve opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me: ‘C’mon, Mitch, don’t give up! Please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait.’ Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!”
Robin Williams on Rehab
“I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open.”
Rodney Dangerfield on His Uncle
“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
George Carlin on Sensitivity Training
“I’m gettin’ a little tired of hearing that after six policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some Black guy’s ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they’re gonna have ‘sensitivity training.’ I say, ‘Hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, cumbersome object up someone else’s asshole, maybe you’re too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place.’”
Chelsea Peretti on Sex
“Sex was so exciting at first, wasn’t it? You’re like, ‘Whoa, something’s in me!’ And then it slows down; people try to jazz it up. Some people talk during sex. I like to be pretty much dead silent; that’s my comfort zone. But then, once in a while, sometimes I will be like, ‘Thank you for dinner.’ Just to be a lady and show some gratitude at the appropriate time.”
Trevor Noah on Double Standards
“If you’re Native American and you pray to the wolves, you’re a savage. If you’re African and you pray to your ancestors, you’re a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that’s just common sense.”
Drew Carey on Winter
“I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. It’s cold there in Cleveland. Freezing. All the time it’s cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell is all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about? That’s all I ever do in the winter: Stand outside with an aerosol can like SHHHHHHH… That’s right, screw the grandkids, I’m cold now!”
Jim Gaffigan on Personal Trainers
“No one likes to work out. That’s why there are personal trainers. You know, the person you pay to make you work out at the place you already pay to work out. Why don’t you just hire someone to tell you that you look good? It would be easier. Once, I joined a health club, and they gave me a free personal trainer session, and the guy was like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are?’ Uh, to not work out.”
