18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 17, 2023
One has to wonder who was the first person to say, “Pull my finger,” to another person to elicit a fart. How was that connection made? How many generations did it endure before coming into prominence? We’ll never know. But there are a few things we do know: these jokes. Enjoy them, regardless of their origin.
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Robin Williams on Pornography Versus Erotica
“The definition of pornography is quite simple: Erotic is using a feather; pornography is using the entire chicken.”
George Carlin on Religion
“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry until the end of time! But he loves you.”
Mitch Hedberg’s Holiday Horror
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Masseuses
“I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.”
Brent Weinbach on Success
“To me, success is when you can walk into Ralph’s and buy anything you want. Ultimate success, however, is when Ralph can walk into you and buy anything he wants.”
Chelsea Peretti Asking the Real Question
“Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”
Dave Attell on Drunk Driving
“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!”
Kyle Kinane on Phở
“If you don’t know what phở is, it’s a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, ‘What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?’ It’s delicious, and I can’t stop eating it. That’s what happens. And for those of you that know what it is, you think I’m saying it wrong. It’s spelled P-H-O, and people are like, ‘It’s pronounced ‘fuh,’ and they get all upset. I don’t care. I’m already eating it. What more do you want from me? I’m guaranteeing there’s nobody in Saigon right now going, ‘It’s pronounced ‘meatball sandwich,’ don’t be culturally insensitive.’ So I’m going to continue to support the Vietnamese community by eating phở all the time instead of just correcting people’s pronunciation of it.”
Tim Vine on Parking Tickets
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
B.J. Novak on College
“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault; I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.”
Tom Segura on Self-Love
“Masturbating is important. You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ’Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right.”
Demetri Martin on Sports
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
Richard Pryor on Setting Himself Ablaze
“When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up quick! I saw something, I went, ‘Well, that’s a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like... FIRE!’ Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics because I ran the 100 in 4.3.”
Amy Poehler on Being Told What to Do
“Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off.”
Jimmy Carr on Food
“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the developing world for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”
Greg Giraldo on Kids
“Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.”
Jim Gaffigan on ‘Dateline’
“At one point, Dateline just went all in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. If you watch Dateline, it appears that most marriages end in murder. Every episode starts the same, ‘They had the perfect marriage.’ But you know someone’s getting killed — a husband, a wife. Sometimes, they get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. You took a vow, do it yourself!”
Norm Macdonald on Seeing His Parents Have Sex
“I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.”
