18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 11, 2023
If Albert Einstein was still alive, what do you think he’d feel finding out that his last name is synonymous with “genius”? Would he be flattered or suffer from imposter syndrome? Do you think he’d be a little bummed that his name was used sarcastically, like “Nice going, Einstein”? Well, his feelings don’t really matter since he’s dead. But if zombies happen, we should apologize. Anyway, here are some Einstein-level jokes for y’all…
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Zarna Garg on Her Husband
“By the way, we’ve never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity.”
Ron White on Texas
“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, mine’s putting in an express lane.”
Matthew Broussard on College Kids
“People always give teenagers a tough time, but at least teenagers know they’re children. Whereas college kids will walk up like, ‘What’s up, my name’s Devin’ — or something stupid. ‘Let’s talk about the economy even though I never paid an electricity bill.’”
Mike Lawrence on New York City
“I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, ‘New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories.’ There’s three New York stories, all right: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life’ and Ghostbusters.”
George Carlin Getting Trippy
“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
Maria Bamford on Marriage
“I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging, and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes, I worry that I don’t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.”
Paul F. Tompkins on Brass Knuckles
“My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the 2000s, who is walking around with brass knuckles. ‘Be on the lookout for two old-timey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.’”
Rory Scovel on Abortion
“I’m pro-abortion for one reason: I honestly think that some of those babies would’ve grown up to be abortion doctors.”
Wendy Liebman on Ventriloquism
“My mom was a ventriloquist, and she always was throwing her voice. For 10 years, I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”
Denis Leary on Rehab
“People go, ‘Why didn’t you go into rehab?’ We didn’t have rehab back in the ’70s. Back in the ’70s, rehab meant you had to stop doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks. ‘Give me a case of Budweiser and an ounce; I gotta slow down. Jesus Christ, I’m out of control.’”
Aparna Nancherla on Weed
“If you have weed in your system, there’s no telling what you’re incapable of doing.”
Mitch Hedberg on Learning the Guitar
“I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.”
Bo Burnham on Self-Love
“I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.”
Chloé Hilliard on Protesting
“Imma be honest with you — I don’t go out there and march. I’m too tall to march. I’m 6-foot-1. I’m head and shoulders above most people, and that’s just two rubber bullets to the dome. I don’t want that. No, thank you. Then they start throwing tear gas, and it’s gonna rise up to my nostrils. I’m lactose intolerant. I can’t even put milk in my eyes. No, thank you.”
Caleb Synan on His Father’s Gardening
“My dad’s growing all his own food now; that’s a good sign. He’s got this big garden in Georgia. He’s all proud of it. And he texted me today, and he said, ‘Do you like —’ and he texted me an eggplant emoji. And I said, ‘Is this for me?’ And he said, ‘It’s for whoever likes it.’”
Patton Oswalt on KFC Famous Bowls
“KFC’s famous bowls are their top-selling item. America has spoken: Pile my food in a fucking bowl; I don’t give a shit. I just want a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender and liquefy it and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better. But until you invent a Lunch Gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl.”
George Wallace on Anatomy
“Shout out to wrists, the neck of the arm.”
Christopher Titus on Millennials and Gen Z
“I do want to apologize to a group of people I’ve been mocking for a long time — millennials and Gen Z. I’ve been making fun of them for their participation trophies and their helicopter parents, who had to make them learn saxophone and Chinese by the time they were two, and then they had puppy rooms because they have anxiety. And now they’re all older. They have the facial hair of a Civil War reenactor, or they look like they joined a barbershop quartet. But I realized something recently: If you’re a millennial or Gen Z, you’ve lived through the worst 30 years in modern American history. Imagine being a Gen Z. It’s 1999, you’re three, and your parent’s like, ‘You’re gonna go to school next year! Are you ready?’
“‘Yeah, mom, I can’t wait! I just watched the Columbine massacre on television. I’m gonna need a couple things. I’d like a bulletproof backpack. I also want to open-carry a Glock 16, so if I get messed with on the kickball field, I can stand my ground!’”
