18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 5, 2023
Time is a valuable thing. You could be spending your time on your phone fast-forwarding an ad read during a podcast or yelling at YouTube to stop recommending pimple-popping videos. Instead, you’re here, enjoying some good ol’ fashioned humor. Your reward for your loyalty? These jokes and a promise of no exploding pus. Have a nice one…
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Jimmy Carr on Names
“I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago, and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, ‘It’s Patacka.’ I said, ‘That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that every day.’ To which she replied, ‘Actually, I do.’”
George Carlin on Statistics
“One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they’re okay, then it must be you.”
Earthquake on Aretha Franklin’s Televised Funeral
“That funeral was so long they turned off my cable. They said this funeral went through two billing cycles!”
Katt Williams on Self-Esteem
“‘You messed up my self-esteem.’ Bitch, it’s called SELF-ESTEEM! It’s the esteem of your motherfucking self. How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?”
Jim Gaffigan on Saskatchewan
“Saskatchewan, that place is full of perverts. They’re all perverts! The capital is Regina? That’s not necessary. Regina. They could’ve pronounced it ‘Re-gee-na.’ They did that on purpose because they’re perverts. Everything in Regina sounds sexual. Their football team is the Rough Riders. That’s inappropriate. I’m just relieved their mascot isn’t a beaver.”
Maria Bamford on Fear of Success
“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that because, after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”
Laurie Kilmartin on Having a Half-Mexican Son
“(My son) and I went to Arizona last August, which was a mistake. We’re in a sandbox, making castles, and this old white lady starts looking at us. She’s like worried, and she finally just blurts out, ‘Are you his mom?’ So I decided to worry her further and said, ‘No, I’m his nanny. We’re taking care of them now.’”
Ron White on Getting DWI
“I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.”
George Wallace on Fast Food Workers
“I wish trades happened outside of sports. The Wendy’s on Dupont Road sends fry cook Kelly Futz to the Dairy Queen on 17th Avenue for Assistant Manager Shantika Leonard and a cashier to be named later.”
Robin Williams on the Dangers of Viagra
“People have died on Viagra. They need to have an open coffin. ‘I don’t remember Pete being like this. Kids, go get some horseshoes. He would’ve wanted it that way.’”
Wendy Liebman on Being a Cheap Date
“I’ve never been wined and dined, but I’ve been beered and snacked.”
Steven Wright on Playing in the Sandbox
“When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”
Mitch Hedberg on Waffles
“Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. A waffle says to the syrup, ‘Hold on, now. You ain’t going anywhere. Don’t even be trying to creep down the side. Just rest in these squares. If one square is full, move on to the next one. When you hit the butter, split up.’”
Jo Koy on Rice
“Rice was fucking everything to me. Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch, rice was dinner. I know there’s a lot of people like, ‘Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?’ Yes, we do! It’s just last night’s dinner with an egg!”
Bill Burr on God
“God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”
Iliza Shlesinger on Weekends
“The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.”
Arj Barker on Loyalty
“It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, ‘Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man? I’ve known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?’”
Patton Oswalt on Strippers Versus Comedians
“I know that the bellwether for bad parenting is the stripper, but I put it to you that a comedian is way worse than a stripper. A stripper goes on stage, shows you her tits and her ass, and you give her money — as well you should. That is a warm neighborly thing to do. A comedian goes on stage, keeps his clothes on and talks about his genitals. How crazy would you think the stripper was if she came out and did that? Came out fully clothed, ‘Guys let me tell you about my vagina for the duration of this REO Speedwagon song. You’re definitely going to want to hear all about this. Get your dollar bills out; this is well worth your time.’”
