18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 4, 2023
Ever had scotch? Ever had butter? Sure, you have, but not together. But let me tell you that if you put butter and scotch together, it sure as hell wouldn’t taste like butterscotch. It’d be bad, really bad to consume. It’s better to consume these jokes instead. Why? Because they’re good. Damn good. At least they’re better than half-assed scotchbutter…
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Judy Tenuta on Friendship
“Friends are just enemies that don’t have enough guts to kill you.”
Ian Bagg on Cremation
“‘Gentle Water Cremation’? That is nothing like ‘Dave’s Funeral and Such.’ I don’t know if you fucking know how cremations work, but there is no fucking water involved!”
J.C. Currais on Babies on Planes
“I don’t mind babies on planes. I get it; they gotta fly places, right? But do they, though? ‘My baby has to go. He has to see his sick grandmama.’ Just tell him they went.”
George Carlin on Infancy
“Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”
Jim Gaffigan on Going Through Customs
“Going through customs and immigration is so intense. They’re dressed like SWAT team members. I always get so nervous, like, ‘Do I have heroin on me? I don’t know what heroin looks like, but I might have accidentally packed some!’ There’s that mini-interview with the customs agent, ‘What do you plan to do in our country?’ ‘Uhhh, murder people? You got me, I wasn’t ready for your trick questions.’”
Gary Gulman on Learning German
“I used to work at Starbucks. I used to wise off to my boss. One time, we were hanging around the cash register, and he said, ‘I don’t want you guys conjugating around the cash register.’
“I said, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I am, you are, he/she/it is. How’s that?’ Then I went German, ‘Wir sint, er sind, sie sind. How’s that?’
“He was like, ‘You’re Jewish; how do you know German?’
“‘Well, if they ever pull that crap again, I’m gonna be the first to know. I got the inside track, and I’ll warn all of the others.’”
Martin Urbano on His Background
“I’m Mexican, stay with me... I’m Mexican; I come from a traditional Mexican family. My father is a migrant worker, and my mom is a Virgin Mary candle.”
Laurie Kilmartin on Raising a Son
“Girls have like 4,000 emotions, boys have three, and two of those are erection-related.”
Bo Burnham on Fire and His Father
“My father was a real man’s man. He believed you should fight fire with fire, which is a horrible way to live your life... Because he was a firefighter. So, he’s fired.”
George Wallace on Aquaman
“Aquaman can talk to fish, but he only tells them what to do. He’s never like, ‘Seen any good movies, fish? How’s your mom, fish?’ Aquaman is an asshole.”
Wendy Liebman on the Holidays
“I’ve been thinking about what to get my family for the holidays because it’s the thought that counts.”
Patton Oswalt on Comparing Injuries with Tony Hawk
“A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his femur in two. POW! Landed a vertical wrong. In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong and broke his femur. He DMs me a picture of his X-ray. He’s like, ‘Looks like we’re in the same boat, buddy.’ I’m like, ‘No, we’re fucking not! You just Jackie-Chan-ed yourself into even more coolness.’ He found a whole other level of cool. I slipped off a curb like someone’s aunt that saw a bird. That is how I went down.”
Maria Bamford on Perspective
“If you ever start thinking, ‘Oh, but I’m a waste of space. I’m a burden,’ remember that also describes the Grand Canyon.”
Taylor Tomlinson on Losers
“Losers are hard to quit. Losers are a lot like cigarettes. You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool, but everyone is like, ‘Ew! We’re sad for you. Don’t do that around my kids.’”
Katrina Davis on Office Dress Codes
“If you wear a suit to a job that doesn’t require us to wear a suit, we’re not gonna be friends. I hate you. Relax. Stop coming in so early; you’re making it painfully obvious how late I am.”
Iliza Shlesinger on Barbed Wire Tattoos
“Guys like to get barbed-wire tattoos. What does that say? ‘I’m barbed wire. I’m a badass.’ Why just on the one arm? Is that warning me about the dangers of that arm?”
Hunter Duncan on Making New Friends
“I’ve been trying to make new guy friends recently, which is such a bummer to say out loud. I realized that Bumble, the dating app, has a friendship version called Bumble BFF, where you can just swipe your way into friendship. Let me tell you, if you think it sucks not getting matches on a dating app, not getting matches on a friendship app… People are looking at my profile like, ‘I wouldn’t even throw a frisbee with this guy.’”
Doug Stanhope on Grief
“‘But at least he’s in a better place now. He’s with Jesus.’ Then why are you crying? If the depth of your soul believes that your loved one is dancing around on a fluffy cloud in an everlasting paradise for all of eternity without a care in the world, happier than pig worms and a baby’s stool, why are you crying? You should be ecstatic! If you really believe it, you should be calling all your friends on the phone, ‘Did you hear the great news? Lightning struck my baby! Yeah, he’s in a better place. God picked him. I told you he was adorable.’ If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seat belt?”
