18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 28, 2023
The invention of potable water had to come from urination, right? The concept of moving water from one place to another had to be from us drinking water from a lake, peeing it out someplace else, and then thinking, “Hey, wait, maybe we do the same with the fresh stuff.” It has to be. That’s why a hose is a phallic symbol. Anyway, societal evolution is weird and funny, so here are some jokes that reflect that.
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Jerry Seinfeld on Milk
“Have you ever had milk the day after the date? Scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. ‘It’s after the day! I’m taking a big chance! I smelled it, you smelled it; what is it supposed to smell like? It smelled like milk to me.’ I don’t know how they’re so definite, though. Maybe the cows tip them off when they’re milking them: ‘July 3rd.’”
Chris Rock on Food Allergies
“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”
Myq Kaplan on Divorce
“Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Jogging Nude
“One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”
Nikki Glaser on Motherhood
“There’s just so much more I wanna do before I have kids. Like, die.”
Gary Gulman on His Old Dad
“I was born when my dad was 50. It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies; we’re both getting discounts.”
Ali Macofsky on Murder Shows
“I do learn a lot from murder shows. I know that I shouldn’t ‘start my day like any other.’”
Katrina Davis on Her Bad Driving
“I’m bad at driving. Here’s the reason why I’m done feeling bad about it: I need to drive to get around. Like, I’m not auditioning for Formula One; get off my dick. I wish I had a bumper sticker for the back of my car that said, ‘I KNOW’ in all caps.”
Emo Philips on Capitalism
“At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
Eugene Mirman on Eminem
“If you watch Eminem sing with the sound off, it looks like he’s giving directions to a very hard-to-find place.”
Paul F. Tompkins on Your Baby
“Let’s say you know 100 percent beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”
George Wallace on Chicago Churches
“I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.”
Zach Galifianakis on Temp Work
“I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, ‘Do you have any phone skills?’ I was like, ‘I called you, didn’t I?’”
Dov Davidoff on… Something
“You know you’re too high when you’re eating cereal naked and your girlfriend is like, ‘Put some clothes on,’ and you realize that it’s not your girlfriend. It’s just a woman on the bus.”
Kristen Schaal on Amelia Earhart
“This is very ambitious, but I don’t care. I’m just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.”
Steven Wright on His Birth
“I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house, I get out through the window.”
J.B. Smoove on Self-Defense
“I know I can’t fight; that ain’t my thing. No, my thing is pressing charges. As soon as I start losing, I am calling the police: ‘Let me tell you something, brotha— SMACK! Ooh, you’re going to jail. You messed with the wrong guy— SMACK! You’re going to jail! SMACK! You almost broke my nose— SMACK! You’re going to jail! What you say— SMACK!’”
Whitney Cummings on Princesses
“My dad, growing up, called me ‘princess.’ He drilled it in my head as a kid that I’m a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don’t lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.”
