18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 21, 2023
Did you ever find out what that banging was in the apartment above you? Was it the divorced dad’s kid just thumping around and dropping elbows because they watched wrestling earlier? Or was it the murderer? It probably was the murderer. In that case, maybe the murderer will spare you if you tell them a joke. Probably not, but it’s worth a shot.
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Ron White on Hurricanes
“I was in Miami when Hurricane George hit the Keys. They evacuated the Keys, and everybody left except for one guy, who was going to stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point. The point was, he said, that at 53 years of age, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain from a Force 3 hurricane. Let me explain something to you: It isn’t that the wind is blowing; it’s what the wind is blowing. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning.”
Wanda Sykes on Marriage
“They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. Your husband starts acting up; you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. ‘He’s broke. I dunno. He just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.’”
Steven Wright on His Dog
“I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
Sarah Silverman on Nutrition
“Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.”
Dana Gould on How Birth Connects Us All
“It’s easy to go through life putting people down because they’re different from you, but no matter who you are or where you’re from, we all enter the world the same way: When we’re born, we’re naked, covered in blood and screaming in terror. And that sort of thing doesn’t have to stop there if you know how to live right.”
Jerry Seinfeld on Detergent
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. A pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
Robin Williams on Nuclear Summits
“They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament. This is also like talking about partial circumcision. A strange thing. You either go all the way or fucking forget it, you know what I’m saying?”
Aisha Tyler on Meat
“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.”
Eugene Mirman on Parenthood
“I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father — especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.”
George Carlin on Thanksgiving Sex
“Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”
Patton Oswalt on Drunk Audiences
“For half an hour, I did not tell one joke. I’m not exaggerating: I did not tell a joke. I had my career screamed at me; I agreed with it, then I said good night and got a standing ovation. I walked off-stage, and I said to myself, ‘I just paid for one year of my daughter’s college. I did not tell a single joke, and I’ve never made an audience happier.”
Kyle Kinane on Living Alone
“I got my own place ’cause I realize I’m about to get the type of weird that I can’t even have people witness on accident anymore. Things are about to get strange, and I’m gonna need some solitude for that. It’s not so much like, ‘I’m gonna pay my bills on time and read more books.’ It’s much more like, ‘Twizzlers look like they fit in buttholes, and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory when Dr. Kyle’s conducting his experiments.’ It’s the corkscrew shape. Lick ’em and stick ’em, fellas. Find out about your bodies. It’s 2012. It’s not gay. It’s about loving yourself.”
Michelle Wolf on Jobs
“I got fired from my last job. It was fair. I had stopped working. When they fired me, they called me into HR, and they were like, ‘Michelle, it seems like you’re just not doing your job.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, but for like nine months. So I think two of us haven’t been doing our jobs.’”
Taylor Tomlinson on Bangs
“Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re looking at your friends, asking, ‘Do I look weird?’”
Josh Blue on the Paralympics
“I know many of you maybe don’t know what the Paralympics are, which is unfortunate because it’s the second largest sporting event on the planet. It’s the Olympics for people with physical disabilities. Yeah, I mean, we’re second largest only to the able-bodied Olympics. Oh yeah, must be tough running on two legs.”
J.B. Smoove on the Gym
“I get irritated when I go to the gym. Soon as I walk into the gym, I get fucking irritated. You know why? Cause everything so damn heavy.”
Craig Ferguson on Mummy Thieves
“A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.”
Nick Thune on Pollution
“Wouldn’t the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?”
