18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 14, 2023
Do you think Coca-Cola would ever have the guts to be funny? We mean legitimately funny, not “brand funny,” like making cans that say, “No, Pepsi is not okay.” Eh, they’d probably end up ruining it by making it some April Fools’ marketing nonsense. Besides, these jokes are better than any ad, anyway. Especially that awful Super Bowl Puppy Monkey Baby commercial...
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Brian Regan on Corn
“I heard on the news once — and my uncle does this — the government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow, where’s my check? That’d be great. “Hey, what do you do for a living?” “Well, I don’t grow corn. Get up at the crank of noon, make sure there’s no corn growin’. You know we used to not grow tomatoes, but there’s more money in not growin’ corn.”
Kristen Schaal on Good Luck Charms
“I used to carry a rabbit’s foot for luck. Then, it was a monkey’s paw. Now, it’s a camel’s toe.”
Jimmy Carr on Taste
“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”
Mitch Hedberg on Monster Magnet
“I went to see a heavy metal band in New York called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy. The lead singer got on the monitor and said, ‘How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?’ Then he said, ‘How many of you feel like animals?’ And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. ‘Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree.’”
Zach Galifianakis on Home School Reunions
“I went to my high school reunion not too long ago. It was very weird because I was homeschooled. It was just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool & the Gang, talking about how fat I’ve gotten. Why I rented that limo, I have no idea.”
Neil Hamburger on Smash Mouth
“What do you get when you place a penny, one copper cent, into each of the five asses of the five members of Smash Mouth? Nickelback.”
Brian Regan on Raisins
“I’m intrigued when people try to talk me into liking raisins. Like it’s a psychological flaw. People love to go, ‘Brian, do you like grapes?’
“Here we go, ‘Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes.’
“‘Well, raisins are just dried-up grapes!’
“‘Oh, I’ve loved them all along! I had no idea!’
“So I love to hit them back with, ‘Do you like ham sandwiches? You do? Well, would you like it if I put one outside for three weeks, in the broiling sun, on a picnic table, so it shriveled up to the point of unrecognizability, and put it on a plate and gave it to you? Would you like that? It’s just a ham sandwich!’”
Amy Schumer on Her Mom
“My mom is always bragging about the dumbest shit. The other day, she was telling me and my sister, ‘You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, who cares?’ I mean, it’s weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant.”
George Carlin on Capitalism
“The upper class keeps all of the money; pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes; does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the middle class; keep them showing up at those ‘jobs!’”
Roy Wood Jr. on the Brilliance of Street Fighter
“If you play Street Fighter, it was a brilliant game. This game was so bare-boned and basic. Two strangers meet in a public place and just whoop each other’s ass. There’s no journey; there’s no quest; there’s no princess to rescue in a castle. It’s just two dudes at a fish market going:
“‘Hey, I heard you was talking shit. Would you like to fight?’
“‘Yes, I would. You wanna come back tonight when it’s closed?’
“‘No, let’s fight right now, during business hours!’”
Dana Gould on How Nothing Makes Sense
“The fact is, I’ve met far too many bald men with ponytails to expect this world to make sense.”
Bob Hope on Banks
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Quinta Brunson on Being Short
“The worst thing about being this short is letting down child predators. It happens all the time. They walk by me on the street, ‘Ohh, Where are you going?’
“‘Sorry to disappoint you, sir. I’m 27 years old, with a 401k. Keep it moving.’
“‘Goddammit! What are they putting in the water?!?’ They text their child predator friends, ‘If you see a small girl under 5 foot, African-American: Abort!’”
Steven Wright on Music
“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while, I’ll be listening to the radio, and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’”
Kumail Nanjiani on Fame
“I want to be so famous that I’m the pop-culture reference that people would make to try and be racist to me. So I’d be walking down the street, and someone would be like, ‘Hey, look at this Kumail Nanjiani.’”
Nick Thune on Restaurants
“I want to open up a restaurant and name it ‘I Don’t Care’ so I can finally go to the place my girlfriend is always talking about.”
Demetri Martin on Identity
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
Redd Foxx on Prophecies
“If you can see the handwriting on the wall, you’re on the toilet.”
