18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 11, 2023
The old adage is “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” That seems unnecessary. Maybe the last part should be “always joke” instead. That way, you can distract your opponent with humor and take advantage of that. Or they’ll underestimate you, thinking you’re not taking the competition seriously. Or you still lose, but at least got a good laugh in. Maybe you could use one of these jokes when you do so...
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John Oliver on Improvising
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: This is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I’m currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.”
Tig Notaro on Youthful Bad Habits
“I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then, as soon as I was born, I was like, ‘Do not go in there.’”
Norm Macdonald on Hitler
“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”
Jackie Kashian on Violent Video Games
“There’s a rule with video games: The more horrifying the storyline, the more fun the game. That was the rule; I didn’t make that rule. If there were a video game in which you stabbed babies in their sleep, it would be horrifying, but I’d be in my room going, ‘Eh-eh-eh-eh, I win!’”
Hannibal Buress on Office Etiquette
“It’s weird working in an office because I don’t know how many times we’re supposed to say hello to people throughout the day. Because I keep seeing the same people, I’m like, I saw you 45 minutes ago; should I say ‘Hello,’ or should I just grumble under my breath? I don’t know what to do. I just made a rule that if I say hello to you three times on Monday, I say nothing to you on Tuesday. You’re ‘hello’-ed out for the week.”
Zach Galifianakis on Mental Illness
“Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities. And there’s nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded.”
Neil Hamburger on Robert Redford
“Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newman’s spaghetti sauce? Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years; do you think he’s gonna stick his dick in a competitor’s product?”
Amy Schumer on Plan B
“You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It’s so embarrassing because it’s over-the-counter, but you have to ask your pharmacist. They know what you want, but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, and I’m like, ‘You see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.’”
Brian Regan on Spelling Bees
“I’d be a lot better off if I would have studied more when I was growing up. But where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. ’Cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew. ‘Alright, kids! Up against a wall, it’s time for public humiliation!’”
George Carlin on Death
“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, ‘Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.’
“‘Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.’
“‘Yeah? Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself?’”
Jim Gaffigan on Clothing
“I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up, and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.”
Damon Wayons on Growing Up Poor
“I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P-O. We couldn’t afford O-R. That’s how ‘po’ we were. I remember nights we didn’t eat. We had sleep for dinner.”
Dana Gould on When He Put Down His Dog
“The woman who worked there went, ‘Sir, it’s okay. This happens every day.’ And all I could think of was, ‘Then why do you work here? What the fuck is wrong with you? What’d you tell your guidance counselor?’ ‘Oh, I really like sad people, but I’d also like to be around a lot of dead animals!’ Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein, you got your wish!”
Wanda Sykes on Dogs
“I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I never found strange panties in my dog’s house. Good boy!”
Patrice O’Neal on Littering
“I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda, and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder; it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Killer because I’m lazy.”
Mitch Hedberg on Tennis
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”
Myq Kaplan on His Background
“I’m Jewish but not über-Jewish. I would never use German to describe how Jewish I am.”
Bo Burnham on Old People
“Old peoples’ skin sags because it’s being pulled toward the underworld.”
