18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 6, 2023
Actions speak louder than words, or so they say. But screaming the word “louder” is technically an action. Hell, speaking itself is an action. It’s a dumb phrase that we should stop using. They should replace it with one of these jokes. If you disagree, that’s fine. Continue to be wrong, but still enjoy these jokes...
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Neil Hamburger on Dogs
“How do you keep your pet dog from licking his balls? Coat them in Domino’s pizza sauce.”
Amy Schumer on Regretful Hookups
“I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea. He was really tan. He had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang. I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’”
George Carlin on Irony
“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic; it will be a coincidence. Irony is ‘a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.’ For instance, a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, then he is the victim of an irony.”
Ron Funches on Pro Wrestling
“I love wrestling; it’s the best. People try to make you feel stupid for liking it. They’re like, ‘Hey, you know the thing that you love with the pageantry and the fireworks and the golden belts? It’s fake.’ What type of psychopath would I have to be if I wanted it to be real? Oh, you mean the thing where people have minor disagreements, so they bodyslam each other? And there’s a guy that carries around a snake in a bag that he uses to bite his enemies, but it won’t work against The Undertaker because he ain’t got no blood? You’re telling me that’s not on the up-and-up?”
Anthony Rodia on Skip-It
“Anybody have Skip-It? I tried to explain to my daughter, and she’s like, ‘That’s abuse.’ I said, ‘I know.’ Parents bought it so kids would beat the shit out of themselves.”
Nore Davis on Teacher Retirement
“When somebody from the NBA retires, their jersey is in the rafters, and they’re like, ‘I had a good time, thank you for the career, goodnight!’ When a teacher retires, they’re just like, ‘I’m done! That’s it!’ Do you want a party? ‘No! This never happened! Fuck those kids! I’m ghost!’”
Jim Gaffigan on Dreams
“It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream, you’re just like, ‘WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an email so I can delete it?’”
Jaboukie Young-White on Health Insurance
“I would highly recommend health insurance, for sure. I once said that in a room full of Millennials, and I never felt a crowd turn on me so quickly. If a Millennial gets hurt, we just rub two crystals together and hope for the best.”
Zach Galifianakis on His Father
“My father used to beat me with his belt — while it was still on him.”
Aparna Nancherla on Dating Spots
“I try to pick a bar where if I go missing, people will be like, ‘At least she had a good time before she left.’ At least four stars.”
Todd Glass on Toxic Relationship
“You ever been in a relationship where you argue so much that you remember where you were? ‘Didn’t we argue here once? Didn’t you threaten to walk home?’”
Mark Normand on American Symbols
“The hot dog is the perfect symbol for America — it’s enjoyable, but the more you look into how it was made, the less you wanna know.”
Hasan Minhaj on the Differences Between Hindus and Muslims
“Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India, and we’ve been warring for centuries. I know some of you are like, ‘What’s the difference? I take yoga; all you guys look the same.’”
Iliza Shlesinger’s on Big Relationship Reveals at Restaurants
“Once you’re in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can run a trough at mealtime; it doesn’t matter. You can put your hands behind your back and eat county fair pie-eating contest-style. Once you’re in love, you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizard you actually are!”
Dana Gould on the Hollywood Dog Park
“There’s a big dog park at the foot of the mountain that the Hollywood sign is on. It’s the perfect symbol for show business: The Hollywood sign, and then a big beautiful place that is actually filled with shit.”
Jerry Seinfeld on Death
“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.”
Patton Oswalt on His Audition to Play a Gay Character
“I got an offer to audition for a romantic comedy, and they wanted me to audition for the (sings) gayyyy besttt frrrrriieeeeeeend (ends singing). It’s 2011; I might as well put on Blackface and tap dance.”
Steven Wright on Minimalism
“You can’t have everything; where would you put it?”
