18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 5, 2023
When you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll ask for a glass of milk. If you give a mouse a joke, he’ll be like, “Uh, thanks, that was amusing, but I still want a cookie.” Screw that ungrateful rodent. Learn these jokes from some great comedians so you can keep your cookies away from those greedy mice...
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George Carlin on the Beach
“There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach, contracting skin cancer, in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.”
Jackie Kashian on Dating Nerds
“I tell people to go out with a guy who plays video games, go out with a guy who collects action figures and reads comic books. Go out with that guy and marry that guy because that guy is home. Right now! He’s got a curio shelf, and he’s gotta organize his action figures. It keeps him off the pipe; It keeps him off the pole. It’s nice.”
Nate Bargatze on Baby Dolls
“When you’re a baby, and you’re born, they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you’re a baby.”
Fortune Feimster on Kindergarten
“I have a picture of me at five years old, in kindergarten class, and I’m holding a hammer and nails.” That’s the first reality bomb Feimster dropped about her kindergarten experience in the 1980s, and it just keeps going from there.
Jaboukie Young-White on the Trump Presidency
“I kinda feel like ever since Trump won, everything I do is radical just because I’m a minority. Like I wake up in the morning? Revolutionary.”
Tiffany Haddish on Bad Influences
“Anybody got that one friend that can motivate you to do shit you ain’t got no damn business doing? That friend that can make you move into doing things you know you’re gonna go to jail for? You ever see that movie Pinocchio? Pinocchio was trying to go to school. He was trying to be a good boy, and his friend came in, saying, ‘Let’s go have fun; let’s go do something cool.’ He’s like, ‘Yeah, we go!’ And they turned into fucking donkeys. They turned into jackasses.”
Sam Morril on Dating
“I was talking to my therapist, and he goes, ‘You tend to pursue damaged people and try to help them.’ I was like, ‘You too.’”
Richard Lewis on Religion
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”
Roy Wood Jr. on Black British Actors
“Every Black person remembers the day they found out Idris Elba wasn’t from Baltimore. That was a troubling day in the Black American community. That’s like finding out your daddy wasn’t your daddy.”
Daniel Tosh on His Lack of Killer Instinct
“I don’t think I could stab somebody ‘cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.”
Billy Connolly on What Keeps Him Up at Night
“I worry about ridiculous things: ‘How does a guy who drives a snowplow get to work in the morning?’ That can keep me awake for days.”
Todd Glass on Target vs. K-Mart
“Here’s the business plan for Target: We’ll basically sell what K-Mart sells, but we’ll wipe shit off.”
Nicole Byer on Tinder
“I matched with this guy named Nick. His first message to me was, ‘Puerto Rican, Black or Mexican, let’s talk about it.’ So I said, ‘Are you asking what I am? I’m real Black.’ He said, ‘That was my inference, could have gone either way, though.’ I said, ‘Cool, what are you — white, white trash, privileged white or rapey white?’”
Brian Regan on Eye Doctors
“I’m wearing new contacts. I just had my prescription changed after six years. You ever wait that long and get new lenses? You’re like, ‘Man, I could have been seeing things!’ How can instantly improving vision not be at the top of your to-do list? ‘I’ll see tomorrow. I don’t have time.’”
Jim Gaffigan on Cake vs. Pie
“Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake; it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”
River Butcher on the Whitest Thing He’s Done
“I moved into a new neighborhood, and one of those neighbors is a pot-bellied pig. I was home one day, and I heard that pot-bellied pig next door. I was home in my apartment, and I could hear her whine. I was like, ‘Pigs are pack animals. That pig is over there by herself.’ I should go over there, I should knock on that front door and I should be like, ‘Excuse me! I think your pig is lonely!’ And that’s the whitest thing I’ve ever thought to do in my entire life.”
Norm Macdonald on ADD Children
“Nowadays, they have the ADD and stuff like that. If a kid’s in class and they’re like, ‘Hey, I’d like to go out,’ they go, ‘We’re gonna drug you.’”
Zach Galifianakis on His Grandma
“My grandma treats me like a rock star. I guess that’s why she lets me sign her tits.”
