18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 4, 2023
What would life be without jokes? Probably duller than a pill bug’s life. Just doing our work, trying to eat, curling up when predators appear and then dying without laughter. Because pill bugs can’t laugh. At least not until bug scientists get off their LAZY ASSES. In the meantime, enjoy life and enjoy jokes. Because the pill bugs can’t...
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John Mulaney on Aging
“I don’t look older; I just look worse. When I walk down the street, no one is like, ‘Hey, look at that man.’ They’re like, ‘Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!’”
Anthony Jeselnik on Child Death
“People get weird when kids die; that’s a fact. Like about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. That’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids do you know get to die a winner?’”
Mike Lawrence on ‘The Lion King’
Lawrence: Does anyone remember who the villain of The Lion King was?
Audience: Scar!
Lawrence: You think so? I don’t think it was. I think it was the asshole parents who named their child “Scar” after he was born with a scar on his face.
Bill Hicks on Drugs
“If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”
Chelsea Peretti on Her Exciting Life
“If these walls could talk, they’d be like, ‘Damn bitch, you’re back in bed again?’ I’d be like, ‘Shut up, walls! You’re boring, too!’”
Laurie Kilmartin on Boundaries
“I have a 10-year-old son, and already at age 10, we’ve had multiple discussions on masturbation etiquette. I was like, ‘Please do not knock on mom’s door when she’s masturbating.’ Get your own apple juice; I’m working on my own juice box.”
Dave Attell on Cuddling
“Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.”
Joan Rivers on Her Childhood
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Zach Galifianakis on His Grandparents
“I once walked in on my grandparents making love — and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.”
Leslie Jones on Texting
“Texting has ruined my life. I can’t stop texting. It’s hard not to text, ‘You is a bitch!’ ‘Okay, I’m sorry for calling you a bitch.’ ‘Did you get my last text?’ ‘Are you getting any of these texts?’ ‘Are you getting any of these texts, bitch?’ I’m 10 texts in now. How am I gonna stop texting? Don’t say, ‘Don’t text,’ ’cause you can’t tell somebody who keeps texting, ‘Don’t text!’ Oh, delete the number? What am I gonna do, delete my brain?”
George Carlin on Necrophilia
“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually, they’re already there. Isn’t that nice and convenient?”
Tiffany Haddish on Infidelity
“I’ll never forget it was 12:32 a.m. because that was my third psychotic break. We were in my little Corvette, rolling. I let him drive so I could feel just like Rihanna, ‘Yessss!’ He had his phone in the console — 12:32 a.m., the phone go off; I look over, and the text message just say, ‘Eva: Why you be lying?’ In my head, I’m like, ‘Who the fuck is Eva?’”
River Butcher on Baseball
“Baseball’s my favorite sport, and I love it for a couple of reasons. I love it because it’s old, it’s slow, and nobody likes it. I’m an only child; I like to be alone. This is why people don’t like baseball; a perfect game in baseball is when nothing happens.”
Richard Pryor on Manly Love
“Men here, have you ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, and they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like, ‘It don’t hurt…,’ but walkin’ around and getting hit by trucks. ‘Didn’t he see that truck?’ ‘Motherfucker, he wouldn’t have seen a 747 ’cause his heart was broken.’”
Brian Regan on Pop-Tarts
“You can microwave a Pop-Tart. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart in a toaster — a minute and a half, on the long side? There are people who don’t have this kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.”
Amy Schumer on Her High School Crush
“I have a little bit of news to share with you guys: I finally just slept with my high school crush. I swear, now he expects me to go to his graduation — like I know where I’m gonna be in three years.”
Brian Regan on Crime
“The lamest crime is loitering. You imagine a guy with a 30-page rap sheet that’s all loitering. What do you do with a guy like that? Throw him in jail, where he can’t go anywhere?”
Neil Hamburger on M&Ms
“Why are M&M’s full of chocolate? Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit.”
