5 Totally Demented, But Totally Brilliant Pearls of Wisdom from Eric Cartman
In all the English language, there are few combinations of words more ominous or upsetting than, “You know what? Cartman’s actually right.”
Over the past 26 seasons, South Park has shown us that even our most petulant, abusive and outright maniacal friends can, every now and then, bust out some knowledge that makes us stop and appreciate the old saying, “A broken clock is right twice a day” — or, the comparatively newer quote, “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.” Well, today, Eric Cartman is that asshole, and we’re going to appreciate the moments in South Park history when he hit the nail on the head, for better or for worse — emphasis on “worse.”
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In descending order, here are those Cartman quotes that make us shake our heads and admit that, goddamnit, Cartman was right this time…
“Hippies. They’re Everywhere. They Wanna Save the Earth, But All They Do Is Smoke Pot and Smell Bad”
With apologies to the Deadheads and VW bus drivers of history, your drum circles didn’t end the Vietnam War, and rubbing patchouli oil in your hair isn’t the same thing as taking a shower. Seven years after the Season 9 episode “Die Hippie, Die” aired in 2005, Colorado became one of the first states in the country to legalize recreational marijuana, leading to the density of white people with dreadlocks increasing exponentially in areas not unlike the fictional town of South Park. And, after so many pounds of pot smoke entered the atmosphere, we’re no closer to saving Mother Gaia than we were when Cartman chased them away with some Slayer.
“This Is the Way the World Works — If You Want Some Quality Friends, You Gotta Wade Through All the Dicks First”
Usually when Cartman’s right, he’s right for the wrong reasons — but usually those reasons have nothing to do with the deluge of dicks bombarded at children with unmonitored internet access browsing ChatRoulette. Still, in the metaphorical sense, Cartman’s on the money — most people who aren’t lucky enough to find their three best friends in elementary school find meaningful connections through trial and error. And, if a dude jacks off in your face without asking, that means he’s probably not a quality friend.
“Don’t You Know the First Law of Physics? Anything That’s Fun Costs at Least Eight Dollars”
Adjusted for inflation, it’s more like $15 in 2023, but the point still stands — the best things in life may be free, but fun is going to cost you. Sure, taking a walk in the park with a loved one or expanding your horizons at your local library may not break the bank, but laser tag blows those boring activities out of the water. That’s why saving money is for chumps.
*When Told He Knows Nothing About Christianity* – “I Know Enough to Exploit It”
Cartman had several run-ins with the racket of Christian entertainment and for-profit preaching that showed just how Kenneth Copelandian he could be in pursuit of the Prosperity Gospel mountaintop. As Cartman understands, you don’t need silly things like theology degrees or a working knowledge of the bible to make bank off of evangelism — you just need a combination of sociopathic charisma, the ability to spot a mark and the ambition to empty their pockets through the power of prayer.
“It’s A Man’s Obligation to Stick His Boneration in A Woman’s Separation. This Sort of Penetration Will Increase the Population of the Younger Generation”
It’s the circle of life.
