18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 28, 2023
*Nails on chalkboard* You all know me. You know how I earn a livin’. I’ll get some jokes for ya, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Good jokes! Not like goin’ down to the pond chasing hack premises or lazy punchlines. These jokes will swallow you whole. Shakin’. Tenderizin’. Down you go. And we gotta do it quick. So enough jaw-jabberin’. Here are some of the best jokes I know...
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Drew Lynch on Bullying
“It just goes to show why you don’t bully people. You never know who’s a cannibal. Because every day, dudes going to school with him are going, ‘Hey, Dahmer! Eat a bag of dicks!’ And he took that personally.”
Bert Kreischer on Rescuing a Cat
“Rescuing a cat is like rescuing a hobo. They’ve seen some shit in the streets that’s not getting out of their DNA anytime soon.”
Brian Posehn on Star Wars
“I actually talked to my therapist about how upset I was about Star Wars. Do you know why I paid $140 to tell a lady I was mad at a movie? BECAUSE MY WIFE DIDN’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT ANYMORE.”
Mitch Hedberg on Dogs and Calisthenics
“Dogs are forever in the pushup position.”
Doug Benson on the Carpool Lane
“I got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, ‘You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the carpool lane.’ I said, ‘Check the trunk.’”
Chelsea Peretti on Prius Owners
“It hurts all the more when a Prius cuts you off because it’s like wow, you love the Earth, but you don’t like humans.”
Joan Rivers on Her Childhood
“All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ And Sheila had died at birth.”
Bernie Mac on Flatulence
“Okay, first rule of this carpool: No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.”
Robin Williams on Alcoholism
“People go now, ‘Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?’ Well, as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed, going, ‘Hey! Somebody shit in my pants!’”
Sarah Silverman on Her Sister Dating
“My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.”
Bruce Jingles on Weed’s Reputation
“‘You know marijuana affects the memory.’ That’s bullshit; I never forget to smoke.”
Laurie Kilmartin on Parenting
“My son is 11 years old now. I can’t believe he’s already 11; I remember when he was so tiny he fit on the front steps of a Catholic church.”
Paul F. Tompkins on Cryptocurrency
“Does everyone who’s into crypto not know that we already have a fake money scheme called ‘money’?”
Christopher Titus on Dr. Atkins
“Did you guys hear how Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet died a vegetable.”
Jackie Kashian on Her Dad’s Salesman Advice
“My dad’s a great salesman. He always says, ‘Remember what Jesus said: ‘Give a man a fish, that man knows where to go for fish. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve just destroyed your market base.’’”
Greg Giraldo on Valentine’s Day
“Valentine’s Day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day used to be just for your girlfriend or your wife, but now everyone’s like, ‘Oh, happy Valentine’s Day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!”
Tig Notaro on Gross Turns of Phrase
“Seems like it’s really popular these days to say things like, ‘Ugh, that grossed me out. I just threw up a little in my mouth’ or ‘You’re so funny. I just peed a little.’ And it’s like, you’re a gross person. Why don’t you pull yourself together and then rejoin polite society after you’ve cleaned yourself up a bit. When you say those things, you cause me to shed my uterine lining.”
Demetri Martin on Amputees on Death Row
“If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.”
