12 Bits of Trivia We Purchased From a Village Armorer and Had Repeatedly Upgraded by a Gargantuan Fairy Using Monster Offal and Dragon Dander, Resulting in a Set Bonus of Pedantry
Scientists have long been bracing for natural phenomena that might throw Earth’s normally predictable activity out-of-whack. A sudden shift in the poles of the magnetosphere, a massive solar storm taking out our communications, an earthquake or eruption or asteroid collision so large that it throws the planet off its axis. But no one predicted the natural disaster that just occurred: the resource that makes the rockin’ world go ‘round has been irreparably depleted.
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The NERF Movie We Deserve, But Not the One We Need Right Now
Hasbro just launched an entire “Entertainment Division” in the hopes of capturing a sliver of the magic that Barbie has conjured. They’re working on movies based on classics like D&D, Play-Doh and NERF. On Twitter, though, Brooklyn Nine-Nine writer Van Robichaux said their unbeatable pitch has already been turned down: “Get a Rock, a Hemsworth any big action stars. Hire a great action director & do a normal action movie but — every weapon’s a nerf weapon. Every bullet is foam. Never directly address it in the film & play it all straight” (Source)
There Are at Least 5 Failed ‘Simpsons’ Spin-Offs
It sounds impossible, but there’s never been a successful spin-off of The Simpsons. Matt Groening and company have pitched a few, though, including: Krusty as a single dad in the big city; a live-action Krusty talk show / reality show hybrid; a slice-of-life anthology about various Springfield residents; a feature-length Fantasia parody; and a live-action Phil Hartman vehicle about Troy McClure. (Source)
Pets Can Be Allergic to You
You thought allergies only work in one direction? Like you’re not constantly shedding dander that could cause sneezing, hair loss and scabbing on your adorable dog or cat or ferret? Wow, sounds pretty self-absorbed. Are you sure you’re ready for pet ownership? (Source)
World Languages Develop Words for Colors in an Oddly Specific Order
A study of the history of 20 languages revealed that black and white are almost always the first two colors to be named when a language is developing. Then it goes red, green and yellow (not always in that order), blue and brown. (Source)
MLB Players Are Allowed to Break the Rules, as a Treat
MLB’s official bat rules state: “No laminated or experimental bats shall be used in a professional game.” But the Phillies and the Nationals were allowed to use a whole array of adorably decorated bats at a game honoring the ongoing Little League World Series. There were bats intricately painted to look like crayons, a pencil and the big man himself, Gritty. (Source)
A Seismic Event Has Caused the Rockin’ World to Stop Spinning on Its Axis
Queen removed the song “Fat Bottomed Girls” from their best-of collection (specifically, on Yoto, a platform for kids). (Source)
Roblox Accused of Massive Child Gambling Ring
Roblox is being accused of a RICO violation in a class-action lawsuit by parents who say it’s encouraging their kids to gamble. Now, Roblox has been unsettlingly lax about protecting its massive user base of minors from all manner of exploitation. But this sentence from the official legal complaint is objectively funny: “Children now have, collectively, billions of Robux at their disposal.” If they ever decide to pool their resources and purchase a tactical nuke, bedtime as we know it is done for. (Source)
The Norwegian Black Metal Artist Who Thought He Was a Corpse
Per Yngve Ohlin, who went by the name “Dead” and hung out with dudes named “Hellhammer” and “Necrobutcher,” was an iconic frontman in the Norwegian black metal scene of the late 1980s. He probably suffered from Cotard’s syndrome, which caused him to think of his body as a non-living entity. He once told a friend that he had “visions that his blood has frozen in his veins, that he was dead.” Bizarrely, he may have been the most wholesome character in that whole scene. (Source)
Bill Clinton Couldn’t Stop a Dude From Being Spanked
An 18-year-old American was convicted of vandalism in Singapore, and sentenced to six lashes of a cane. Then-President Bill Clinton stepped in, asking Singapore’s president to pardon the guy, but only succeeded in getting the sentence commuted to four lashes. Caning is pretty painful and messy, but the vandal, Michael Fay, has pushed back on its barbaric portrayal in American press, equating the amount of blood to “a bloody nose.” (Source)
The Actual Curse of the Blair Witch
The shakiness of the found-footage faux-documentary caught lots of viewers by surprise, resulting in dizziness, sweating and full-on yakking in the theater. (Source)
McDonald’s Casually Racist Buffet
In the 1980s, McDonald’s in the United Kingdom — a country known for its mastery of exotic flavors — offered an ignorant culinary experience in their “Tastes of the Orient” promotion, including the “Oriental McRib.” (Source)
A Couple Thought They’d Found Evidence of a Murder (But It Was Just McDonald’s)
An Illinois couple doing home renovations found a wadded up ball of filth so heinous, they thought they might have to call the police. Upon closer inspection, it was a bag of McDonald’s from the 1950s. (Source)
