Every 'Between Two Ferns' Guest, Ranked
No new talk shows to watch thanks to the writers and actors strikes? Who cares when we can always watch the greatest celebrity talk show of all time: Between Two Ferns. Believe it or not, the celebrities didn’t get briefed on the interview topics ahead of time, making it especially awkward when Zach Galifianakis asked Natalie Portman a question like: “You shaved your head in V for Vendetta, did you also shave your V for vagina?”
Where does Portman rank all-time on the guest list? Here’s our official Between Two Ferns visitor ranking…
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Emmanuel Lewis
A fantastic one-off laugh, but we can’t rank the Webster star any higher considering that he and Galifianakis don’t actually have a conversation. Galifianakis thought he’d booked Daniel Day-Lewis.
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Jimmy Kimmel
Over beers, Galifianakis confirms that Kimmel has never farted on a cocker spaniel. Here’s mud in your eye.
Jessica Chastain
In a truncated Oscar buzz interview, Chastain is quickly dismissed when Galifianakis realizes Zero Dark Thirty isn’t a documentary after all and Chastain didn’t capture Osama bin Laden.
Naomi Watts
Oscar nominee Watts confirms that Australian toilets don’t work backward — i.e., feces don’t get sucked back up into the rectum.
Sean Penn
Seth Galifianakis fills in for brother Zach, who’s off at adult fat camp. Penn doesn’t get much of a chance to talk, other than to threaten to knock the drawling Seth the fuck out of his chair.
Tobey Maguire, Samuel L. Jackson and Arcade Fire
In this special holiday edition of B2F, Galifianakis gets into the spirit by gifting everyone DVDs of his forgotten movie, The Campaign. And now singing a disturbing version of “Little Drummer Boy,” please welcome Arcade Fire.
Charlize Theron
If you only watch one video today about celebrity dog cancer, make it this one.
James Franco
“127 Hours. Is that how many hours you look in the mirror per day?” An awkward interview is mercifully interrupted by a Lonely Island video, which somehow features each member of the group marrying Franco. The video also gives Franco a chance to work with one of his acting heroes, Ed Norton. Okay then.
Sally Field
After confirming that Field gained 25 pounds for her Oscar-nominated role in Lincoln, Galifianakis asks, “How’d you do that? Eat Anne Hathaway?” Field seems intrigued by the idea.
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Ben Stiller
For some reason, Stiller refuses to do the Blue Steel look from his hit comedy Jewlander.
Bruce Willis
Is Ashton Kutcher the favorite child of Willis? He doesn’t confirm. In fact, Galifianakis is going to need Willis to loosen up a little bit since he doesn’t seem to be answering the insulting questions. Thankfully, Willis chills out enough to extinguish the host’s flaming sports coat.
Christoph Waltz
Comedy Bang! Bang!
In another abbreviated Oscar buzz interview, Waltz admits he says the n-word more in real life than he did in Django Unchained.
Will Ferrell
This episode and its erotic fruit exchange walked so Call Me By Your Name could run. Oh, and Jon Hamm stops by to grab his car keys.
Anne Hathaway
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Drunken Oscar nominee Hathaway pouts when Galifianakis won’t allow her to sit on his lap.
Amy Adams
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Despite her red hair, Adams denies that her high school nicknames were “Cinnamon Muff” or “Firecrotch.”
Jon Hamm
Hamm’s silence confirms that he’s never considered changing his name to Jon Sausage or Stuart Turkeylink. Hamm’s Golden Globe Award? Galifianakis marks that down under “Who Gives A Shit.”
Bradley Cooper (Oscar Buzz Edition)
One of the show’s most violent interviews ends with Cooper first flinging ferns at Galifianakis, then knocking him cold with a flower pot. Bravo!
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Jerry Seinfeld, Wayne Knight and Cardi B
This one gets off to a rough start, but Galifianakis quickly corrects his mistake of referring to the comic as Jerry Sandusky. Nice to see Jerry get back together with Wayne Knight, even if the two don’t fistfight. Cardi B shows up primarily to get much better treatment than 1990s has-been Seinfeld.
Brad Pitt
Often, celebs like Pitt agree to appear on B2F as a way to promote their charitable causes. Luckily, Galifianakis interrupts Pitt’s boring humanitarian pitch by bringing out pre-scandal Louis C.K. to do a little stand-up.
Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter
Conan dishes on his exciting new gig hosting The Tonight Show. AWKWARD.
Jennifer Lawrence
In this Oscar buzz interview, Lawrence gets off the requisite weight jokes, including one about her movie Hunger Games: “Isn’t that your life story?” When Galifianakis protests that such jabs are off-putting, she suggests that he should be off pudding as well. Because he’s fat.
Steve Carell
Since he’s watched the show and knows how Galifianakis likes to attack, Carell comes in with guns blazing. “I hear the camera adds 10 pounds. Looks like you’ve eaten five cameras.” For once, Galifianakis seems to want to do a straight interview but Carell ain’t having it — “Fuck you, fatty!”
Justin Bieber
Galifianakis is stoked to talk to Bieber, especially considering that he’s in the middle of another public meltdown. “When you’re in the recording studio,” he asks, “do you ever think, ‘Hey, what if I don’t make something shitty?’ Does that pop in your mind in the process?” Also revealed: Bieber’s primary celebrity hang is Joy Behar.
Hillary Clinton
Shockingly, an appearance on B2F didn’t lift Clinton to victory in the 2016 presidential election. But it sounds like she’ll live with the outcome. “Any regrets losing the Scott Baio vote?”
“Not a one.”
Bradley Cooper
Galifianakis’ Hangover co-star shows up for a reunion, only to be interrupted by a texting Carrot Top. It’s inevitable that things escalate into a slap fight.
Michael Cera
The first episode ever! So also the first time Galifianakis pretended to snore through an interview. Also the first time he attempted to strong-arm Cera into tickling his inner thigh.
Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston
More than 3.5 million friends on Myspace? Pretty impressive, Tila Tequila! Now tell Anniston a little more about yourself.
Natalie Portman
Galifianakis’ attempts at seduction are foiled, even his sexy suggestion that Portman should do a love scene in a bikini delivering the line, “There’s something that I need to get off my chest.” Then she’d remove the bikini top. Get it? The cringe here seems genuine.
President Barack Obama
Historic, not only for featuring a sitting president but for the number of burns Obama gets off in the six minutes he’s promoting universal health care. Among them: “When I heard people watch this show, I was actually pretty surprised.” And after a question about pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey: “Was that depressing to you? Seeing a turkey being taken out of circulation, a turkey you couldn’t eat?”
And finally: “If I ran a third time, it would be like doing a third Hangover movie. Didn’t work out very well, did it?”
