19 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 10, 2023
You know what they say: ‘Tis better to have joked and lost than never to have joked at all. But it’s way better to have, like, joked and then kept track of those jokes. Don’t lose these ones. Get your life together.
Kevin Hart on Getting Kicked
“I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.”
Jamie Wolf on Affordable Housing
“I applied to affordable housing in New York City, and I got rejected because my income wasn’t high enough. They have a minimum cut-off for income, which is just mean. Why do that? That’s like if you went to a soup kitchen and they were like, ‘You’re too hungry.’”
@jamiewolfcomedy
Mitch Hedberg on Fishing
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
Eddie Izzard on the Bible
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’”
Amy Miller on Baby Pictures
“Do you feel like some of our friends are putting their newborns on Instagram before they’re all the way cooked? You’ve seen these crusty f***ing babies goin’ up? Just one eye open? I’m like, ‘How is it wet but dry at the same time?’”
@irvineimprov
Mike Birbiglia on His Weight
“I’m not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, ‘Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?’ I’ve never been in an orgy. I feel like it’d be like what happens when I try and play pickup basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.”
Demetri Martin on the Beach
“I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach, and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”
Nore Davis on Capitalism
“The wealthy and rich are playing Monopoly; working class and poor, we’re playing Trouble. Pop, pop — six dollars?! That’s all I can do today. Pop, pop — two?! I can’t even leave the house. I gotta wait for a six.”
@noredavis
Maria Bamford on Wealth
“I’m not technically rich, but I do have a lot of sh!t that I don’t need, and I refuse to share with others.”
Niles Abston on Hennessy
“I love getting white people to drink Hennessy. It’s like poisoning y’all community. Like, every time I get a white person to drink Hennessy, I feel like Ronald Reagan.”
@nilesabston
Joan Rivers on Jogging
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Jenny Zigrino on Breakups
“I’m so exhausted thinking about my ex all the time. Like, I just want the brain space back to do important things with my mind, like having fake arguments with my family in my head.”
@jennyzigrinocomedy
Will Ferrell on Getting Married
“Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
Sam Morril on His Father
“I ran into my biological father recently. I told my friend, and he was like, ‘Is your biological father a good person?’ And I was like, ‘If he were, I probably would not refer to him as my biological father.’”
@sammorril
Robin Williams on Dogs
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Scott Seiss on the Limitations of Renting
“He goes, ‘Okay, well, I was getting into a fight with my girlfriend last night and I got so mad, I just ended up punching a hole right through the wall. You know what I mean?’ No. I have no idea. I can’t punch a-- first of all, I rent, you understand? I can’t punch a hole in the wall of my apartment. I’m not even allowed to hang up pictures.”
@scottseiss
Billy Connolly on Stupid Thoughts
“I worry about ridiculous things — how does a guy who drives a snow-plow get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.”
Julia Shiplett on Astrology
“What I like about astrology is that it lets you surrender to something bigger than yourself. A higher power. It’s like religion in that way. It reminds you you’re not in charge of everything, and frankly, not everything is your fault. For example, I know that the reason I can’t really date anyone for more than three months has nothing to do with ‘commitment issues.’ It’s because I’m an air sign.”
@standup
Bob Saget on Sex
“I told my girlfriend: ‘Tonight when I come home, I wanna make love to you badly,’ and she said, ‘At least you don’t overestimate yourself.”
