19 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 9, 2023
You know what they say: A joke a day keeps the doctor away. Well, we’ve got enough jokes for you to hold off a medium office park full of doctors. Wait. Where are we?
Mitch Hedberg on Pants
“My belt holds up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f**k’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
Scott Seiss on Bad Baby Names
“My cousin named his son Donatello, and not after the painter. He’s named after a Ninja Turtle. And they were only going to partially circumcise him so he could be a hero in a half shell.”
Margaret Cho on Marriage
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos: I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.”
Amy Miller on That One Female Friend[/subtitle“Do y’all have that one straight lady friend who only dates super tall dudes, and she’s like, ‘I don’t know, I just like to feel safe.’ Like, bitch, why are you always in danger? Are you talking s***? That’s always who it is — some mouthy little girl who’s like, ‘I just like to have a large man to hide behind after I throw a f***ing glass at somebody.’”
Demetri Martin on Being Someone
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
Sam Morril on Babies and Optimism
“I saw a baby in the coffee shop the other day, he was wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘I love life.’ I was like, ‘You’ll grow out of it.’”
Zach Galifianakis on Adopted Highways
“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”
Jenny Zigrino on Dating Apps
“I deleted all my dating apps. I’m gonna meet dudes the old-fashioned way: prison letters.”
John Oliver on a Missed Opportunity
“Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. He did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody — apart from himself. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that’s definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.”
Julia Shiplett on Keys
“Is anyone else furious we still do physical keys? We’re all just carrying around little pieces of scrap metal on us at all times to sleep in our own beds at night. We can unlock our phones with our faces, but we’re still f***ing around with before-Christ door technology.”
Bob Saget on His Brain and Body
“I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.”
Niles Abston on Unity
“Black people and Jewish people should combine like Voltron and beat up Mel Gibson.”
Aisha Tyler on Eating Meat
“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.”
Patton Oswalt on Suicide
“If I ever commit suicide, I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do, I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up, they can go, ‘Oh man he really must have been dep— Hey, Snickers!’”
Nore Davis on Math
“Gym, you play. Art, you draw. Science, you discover. Math is like, ‘Solve this f***ing problem. You done with that? Here’s another problem. You done with that? These are all problems.’ And you’re like, ‘I’m six years old! I just got here! Why do I have all these problems?!’”
Kathleen Madigan on Giving to the Homeless
“I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, ‘He’s only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.’ And I’m thinking, ‘Oh, like I wasn’t?’”
Jamie Wolf on Corporate Jobs
“I don’t like corporate jobs because there’s so many rules to what you can and can’t say. Like one rule I’ve noticed is you’re allowed to say that work sucks as long as you’re just implying it. Like, you’re allowed to be like, ‘Monday, am I right?’ Or like, ‘Friday, man, finally!’ But you can’t be like, ‘This place is a prison. Every day I leave sadder than when I entered.’ You’re allowed to be like, ‘Hump day,’ but you can’t be like, ‘If I were to kill myself, I would do it on Wednesday.’”
Pat Regan on Small Dogs
“I like a small dog, but when you find out it’s like eight years old, I’m kind of like, ‘That’s so embarrassing, why are you trying to pretend you’re a baby?’”
Ellen Degeneres on Her Grandmother
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
