13 Fantastically Lame Marge Moments from ‘The Simpsons’
“Well, if loving your kids is lame, then I guess I’m just a big lame.” — Marge Simpson
Before starting on this list, allow me to preface things by stating that Marge Simpson is an absolutely fantastic character. Although not quite the top Simpsons family member, she’s one-of-a-kind and balances out the family dynamic. Yes, she’s sometimes out-of-touch (in a way that differs from Homer’s), but no more so than any typical parent in understanding certain aspects of their children’s lives.
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Her voice performer Julie Kavner stated in 1991 that “Marge got dumber when she got married.” Whether this resulted in her becoming lamer as well is uncertain. She got teased as a child for liking The Monkees (an arguably lame band, but they definitely had their moments, too), but Marge was definitely cooler in her middle-school and high-school days, like when she supported women’s liberation and burned her bra in protest.
But this is who we have now: A naive, adoring mother who sings songs to teach lessons and loves parades and restaurant ephemera. And so, here now are Marge’s most fantastically lame moments on The Simpsons...
‘It’s a little thick, but the price is right’
Episode: “Lard of the Dance,” Season 10, Episode 1
Other moms might make homemade Kool-Aid or lemonade for an eighth-grade dance, but while Lisa stews in her room after deciding not to attend hers, Marge pops in to share that she “made some homemade Pepsi for the dance,” noting that “it’s a little thick, but the price is right.” (We can only imagine.)
Marge follows up by suggesting they have their own dance (“Every Simpson dance, now!”), which leads us to our next series of lame moments...
The Original Songs of Marge Simpson
Episodes: Various
When the timing is right, Marge always provides a catchy tune that always fails to engage her audience. There are more, but here are our three favorite examples: In “Lisa the Tree Hugger” (Season 12, Episode 4), when Bart asks for money for a PlayStation, Marge sings “a catchy little song about thrift.”
In “This Little Wiggy” (Season 9, Episode 18), Homer and Marge are engaging in the bygone tradition of updating their answering machine message when she comes up with the dated Flip Wilson/Geraldine Jones spoof message, “This is Geraldine. The devil made me miss your call, so here come the beep, here come the beep.”
And in “Bart After Dark” (Season 8, Episode 5), the singers and dancers of Springfield’s burlesque house do an impromptu number trying to convince the citizens not to tear it down, declaring, “We put the ‘spring’ in ‘Springfield.’” It works on everyone — even Reverend Lovejoy — but Marge shows up late with a bulldozer. Realizing she needs to wow the citizens with her own song and dance, she starts with “Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance…” before accidentally sending the bulldozer crashing into the burlesque house, destroying it.
‘Now, it’s Marge’s time to shine!’
Episode: “Viva Ned Flanders,” Season 10, Episode 10
After Homer makes a mess on the roof by using the fireplace to grill, Flanders asks what Homer’s going to do about it. Homer responds, “The missus will clean that up,” with a mop and bucket-wielding Marge instantly appearing and happily exclaiming, “Now, it’s Marge’s time to shine!”
‘An alligator with sunglasses? Now I’ve seen everything’
Episode: “Bart Sells His Soul,” Season 7, Episode 4
Moe turns his dank bar into a tacky theme restaurant with ridiculous tchotchkes, and Marge absolutely loves it. “An alligator with sunglasses? Now I’ve seen everything,” she says upon entering the restaurant. As they’re walking to their table, she laughs at another basic decoration: “Street signs indoors? Whatever!”
‘I took loom in high school’
Episode: “Lisa’s Wedding,” Season 6, Episode 19
Bart complains that the Renaissance fair the family is attending is boring. Since “boring” is apparently a trigger word for Marge, she’s quick to inquire, “Oh really? Did you see the loom?” referring to the olden device used to weave thread into fabric. “I took ‘loom’ in high school,” she continues, before jumping on to weave a clever saying on it:
‘It’s on this really tall pole’
Episode: “Itchy & Scratchy Land,” Season 6, Episode 4
When Itchy & Scratchy Land cut their ticket prices in half, Bart and Lisa ask Homer if they can go. He repeatedly tells them no before saying, “Ask your mother.” Bart and Lisa then go to Marge, who informs them that she’s already planned their family vacation: “We’re going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they’ve installed a new bird feeder this year.”
Bart and Lisa respond with stunned silence as Marge continues in lame detail, “It’s shaped like a diner, and it’s on this really tall pole.”
They eventually do go to Itchy & Scratchy Land — the episode’s title isn’t “Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary,” after all — but when things go awry, Marge laments, “I knew we should’ve gone to the bird sanctuary.” The scene then cuts to a similar disaster happening at the bird sanctuary, featuring a highly memed Moleman moment.
‘I choose to take that literally’
Episode: “Lemon of Troy,” Season 6, Episode 24
When Shelbyville kids remove the lemon tree (“kids, the backbone of our economy”), Bart vows to “teach some kids a lesson.” Marge audibly chooses to take that literally, thinking that Bart has taken a tutoring job. When she asks Lisa about it later, she responds that “the only thing Bart’s teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville.”
When Marge still doesn’t get it, Lisa explains Bart and his friends “ran off to wage war on Shelbyville.” Marge incredulously gasps, “Homer! Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!”
Chef Marge
Episodes: Various
There are a few Marge food-related moments that have been lame in either how well she knows how to prepare food or how lame she knows how to prepare food. Case in point: In “Treehouse of Horror III,” Marge passes out fresh fruit instead of candy, exclaiming, “Fruit is nature’s candy!” which the children all hate, even causing one to throw an ashtray at her.
In Season Seven’s “Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily,” for their sandwiches, she suggests the kids “keep the lettuce separate until 11:30. That way, the lettuce stays moist, and the bread stays dry!”
Meanwhile, in “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer),” Marge sees a spice rack. However, when she sees eight spices on the rack, she confusingly exclaims, “Some must be doubles,” and mispronounces “oregano.”
And when Marge becomes a cop in Season Six’s “The Springfield Connection,” Lisa asks her if catching her first criminal was the most exciting she’s ever done. “Well, it was pretty exciting, but celery soup’s pretty exciting too,” she replies. Later in the same episode, she notes her enthusiasm for another food, stating, “Regular ham doesn’t thrill me anymore. I’m switching over to… deviled ham!”
What Marge Would Do with $10,000
Episode: “Bart Gets an Elephant,” Season 5, Episode 17
After Bart wins a contest, he opts for the gag prize of an elephant instead of the $10,000 cash prize. For his part, Homer says they could have bought all sorts of useful things with that money, “like love.” The much more pragmatic Marge suggests double-ply windows: “They look just like regular windows, but they’ll save us four percent on our heating bill.” Her response is immediately met with blank stares. “Well, they will,” she insists.
‘Joy, excitement, looking…’
Episodes: “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment,” Season 8, Episode 18, and “Homer vs. Dignity,” Season 12, Episode 5
We’ve been treated to Marge’s enjoyment of parades not once, but twice. When Springfield holds its St. Patrick’s Day parade in “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment,” the parade itself is pretty impressive, and Marge exclaims, “Parades just bring out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement, looking…”
In “Homer vs. Dignity,” Springfield is holding a Thanksgiving Day parade. When Bart sees a knockoff balloon of Rusty the Clown, he complains, “Springfield gets the lamest balloons.” To which Marge responds, “Are you kidding?” pointing out other balloons that she thinks are cool but are, in fact, not. “There’s Funky Winkerbean! Over here, Funky! Oh, look! It’s a Noid! Avoid the Noid. He ruins pizzas!”
‘Watch out for the Shaq Attack!’
Episode: “Lisa on Ice,” Season 6, Episode 8
When Lisa becomes super cool for being a great hockey goalie, Bart loses popularity, and everyone (including Milhouse and Homer) wants to hang out with her instead. Cue Marge, who offers to keep him company. Bart isn’t sure, but she promises him, “We could play the basketball! I’m no Harvey Globetrotter, but…” as he groans.
Cut to the driveway with Marge bouncing the ball with both hands. “Watch out for the Shaq Attack!” she exclaims before throwing the ball at his face.
Marge at Her Fantastically Lamest
Episode: “Summer of 4 Ft. 2,” Season 7, Episode 25
To me, there’s one episode where Marge is just absolutely lame throughout: “Summer of 4 Ft. 2.”
In it, Lisa teases Marge about her caretaking at a summer cabin, saying, “It must be exciting to make a different set of beds.” “I know you’re joking, but it is!” Marge retorts.
When Lisa looks for new clothes to fit in with the other kids in town, Marge suggests, “How about this adorable sunsuit? It has a starfish on the fanny, and it comes with its own pail.” Lisa, of course, finds a more appropriate (and totally 1996) outfit, leading her mother to ask, “Where do you want to show off your new hip togs? The Sherbet Shoppe? The Candle District? Big Sue’s Tap Water Taffy?” Lisa lets her down gently to go off on her own, leaving Marge with Maggie, who she desperately tells, “You’ll be my friend! I’m never, never going to let you get away!”
In fairness, she is a great mother here, especially when she overhears one of Lisa’s new pals mentioning that her mom “would be butting in with Rice Krispie squares and Tang” and immediately turns around when she’s just about to do the same thing.
‘I just think they’re neat’
Episode: “Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baadasssss Song,” Season Five, Episode 19
For show and tell, Marge suggests that Bart bring a potato because “it’s pretty big.” When Bart asks why she’s “always trying to give him potatoes,” Marge replies that she “just think(s) they’re neat.”
This lamest of lame Marge moments is also among the top Simpsons memes, with various objects edited over the potato by people to illustrate things they like, proving to Bart and Lisa that something can be so lame that it’s cool — kinda like Marge herself.
