5 of the Most Deadly Attempts at Lovemaking
The rules for safe sex are quite simple. No sex on roller coasters. No sex with crocodiles, particularly oral sex. And lumberjack role-play should consist entirely of clothing and acting choices, with no real chainsaws whatsoever.
We drill these instructions into children. But when people drill each other, they often do so in a dangerous way. Sometimes using actual drills.
The Epoxy Condom
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Two years ago, a 23-year-old named Salman Mirza in Ahmedabad, India, went to a hotel with his girlfriend, and apparently with a second woman as well. They had no condom with them that day. What they did have was some ingredients for epoxy adhesive. They had a good reason for carrying around such chemicals: for huffing and to enhance the effects of whatever other drugs they had on them.
The whole point of a condom is to create some sort of barrier through which fluids and other malefactors can’t pass, and the trio realized they had the means to create a barrier even more secure than latex. They sealed Mirza’s penis shut. The immediate consequence of this is something called retrograde ejaculation, in which semen is forced backward and enters the bladder. This is not particularly dangerous, so long as the sufferer can urinate afterward. If not, expect complications.
A friend of Mirza’s later found him unconscious in a pile of bushes (meaning shrubbery, outside an apartment building, not the bushes he’d previously dove into). He sent Mirza to a hospital, where he died. Doctors would not say whether the sealed orifice killed him, but we imagine it couldn’t have helped. He died of organ failure, which is technically how everyone dies and was particularly true in his case.
The Lost Bet
Our next story is also about a threesome gone wrong. Threesomes can be dangerous (estimates say that threesomes are 50 percent more likely to end in the death of one participant than sex between two partners), and this one had an additional factor at play.
According to a report out of Russia, two acquaintances challenged 28-year-old mechanic Sergey Tuganov to last through a sex session spanning 12 hours. The man prepared himself by downing a whole bottle of Viagra. He rather expectedly then suffered a heart attack, as Viagra works by messing with the circulatory system. His partners had to call emergency services, and while he had lasted long, it’s unclear if we can say he left the women satisfied.
We don’t know just how many readers here were considering overdosing on Viagra. However, approximately all of you are considering overmedicating on something or another, so see in this a useful lesson. Just because one pill helps you doesn’t mean multiple pills will help you more. If it were possible to reliably have sex for 12 hours by popping several grams of sildenafil, Pfizer would already be marketing that dosage, branding it as X-Tra Strength. The fact that they’ve passed up on (or been prevented from taking) that lucrative opportunity tells you something.
The French Business Expense
A Missouri woman (identified only as “MO”) got HPV having sex with her boyfriend a couple years back. They’d had sex in his car, which was insured by Geico, so she argued that Geico owed her compensation. An arbitrator ruled in her favor, and a court agreed, saying the insurer had to pay her $5.2 million.
This was not a case of sex turned fatal (at least, not immediately fatal — we’ll have to wait a long time to see if the virus gives her cancer). We just wanted to bring it up to show how absurd the question of liability can be for sex cases, and how such claims usually fall apart. This verdict, you see, was eventually vacated by a higher court. If all appeal courts agreed with such a decision, now that would be weird.
That brings us to France. In 2013, a Frenchmen identified as Xavier was on a business trip. Free from his wife for the weekend, he found some other woman and slept with her. In the process, he had a heart attack and died. His family then took his employer, the rail company TSO, to court.
The company was liable for his death, they argued. TSO disagreed. The man wasn’t in the workplace when he died, nor was he carrying out any professional duties, nor was he even in the hotel they’d paid for (he went to the woman’s hotel). Six years later, following a whole lot of litigation, the courts ruled definitively in the family’s favor. In France, sex with a stranger during a business trip counts as an industrial accident.
The Mile-High Club
People in Florida were baffled in 1991 when a twin-engine plane exploded in midair. The crash killed both occupants of the plane — pilot Linda Keath and co-pilot Carl Terry. Terry, though just a pilot-rated passenger, was identified as the pilot in initial police reports because, let’s say, he was the taller of the two.
The plane ripped apart due to wing failure because it flew in a way that exceed the tiny aircraft’s design limits. As for why it flew so recklessly, investigators found clues by looking at the two corpses. Both appeared in stages of partial undress. Investigators checked to see if the crash had pulled the clothes off or ripped them apart, but no; the two must have taken off their clothes while still in flight. Also, one of the cockpit’s seats was in the fully reclined position at the time of the breakup.
The NTSB ruled that the cause of the crash was “the pilot-in-command’s improper inflight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the plane.”
Clearly, the tradition of having sex in a Florida plane should be reserved for passengers, rather than whoever is currently operating the controls. However, when passengers show up, that can be just as dangerous:
The Worse Mile-High Club
Thomas Hayashi ran a business called Fly Key West, catering specifically to passengers who want to have sex in a plane. “Come fly the very friendly skies, cleaner than a hotel room,” it advertised. “Brand-new Key West Mile High Club souvenir sheets on every flight.”
Chartering the private plane cost $359 for an hour or just $199 if you were less confident and thought 35 minutes would do. That’s quite reasonable. If you feared that this was all a cover for a business that secretly filmed passengers to sell their performances as pornography, fear not. The website clarified this: “Our voyeur cam is only in the plane by request.”
One day, Hayashi was approached by what he’d later call an elderly Hispanic couple, Rose and Juan. They paid for the flight, which took off as scheduled, but then things went awry. No, the couple didn’t suffer heart attacks during their strenuous sex. They took out knives and told the pilot to divert the plane to Cuba.
Hayashi complied, then as they approached Cuba, he disobeyed the couple by trying to radio authorities, so he could land safely. The man and woman now fought him, and the plane crashed into the ocean. The plane sank, presumably killing both passengers.
As for Hayashi, he was rescued by the Coast Guard. While people would go on to find his story incredible (he didn’t even have the passengers’ full names, as customers rarely gave them to him), the FBI said they believed him. Truly, this was the craziest hijacking to happen in quite a while. It only held that title for around a month, however. After all, the incident happened on August 10, 2001.
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