5 Times People Went to Great Lengths for a Couple Extra Inches
As recording artist Skee-Lo once famously said, “I wish I was a little bit taller.” Even though, in the larger scale of the world, life and imperial measurement, an inch is a tiny distance, sometimes it can make all the difference. If you don’t think so, just ask a 5-foot-11 man what he lists his height as on dating apps.
Sometimes, just how small that difference is can make it all the more infuriating. Think about the last time you bought a cable that was a bit too short. If it was nowhere near reaching from device A to B, you can only blame yourself, do some quick electronic feng shui or write it off as a whiff. If that cable almost reaches where it needs to go, though? Mentally devastating. It feels like Belkin is spitting directly in your face.
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Here are five times people have gone to great lengths over a couple of inches…
Leg Lengthening
There’s recently been a lot of coverage of an increasingly popular medical procedure among short kings who don’t feel so regal. This is the grueling process of leg-lengthening surgery, something that carries high levels of pain both for the body and wallet. On one hand, it has to be incredibly frustrating to be judged for a physical trait you can’t control. Such constant torture can even boil over into impromptu cage matches in New York bagelrys, as with the now infamous Bagel Boss incident.
On the other hand, it’s an absolutely horrific process that requires months of physical therapy and can cost in the neighborhood of $100,000. Honestly, if you have $100,000 lying around, just throw up a couple pictures of you wearing $400 shades in Tulum on Tinder and everything will probably work itself out. Look, as a bald man who would get my top astro-turfed ASAP if I ever hit the lottery, I’m not going to judge these guys too harshly. But you have to think that when you spend four months hauling around a walker, the value prop isn’t as simple as it seems.
Suing Subway
Stinky sandwich stalwart Subway isn’t exactly an eatery known for its attention to detail. I personally swore off the sea cucumbers that they try to call sandwiches years ago, but sometimes, there’s no other option. Despite all that, I guess there are some Subway stalwarts out there who enjoy unwrapping a couple inches of swampwater pinched between mediocre bread, enough to take them to court over not getting as much as promised.
In 2013, a New Jersey man (meaning he should absolutely have better sandwich options) sued the chain claiming that their “footlong” subs were roughly an inch shorter. Generally, entering the legal thunderdome with a massive international corporation is about as advisable as bringing nothing but a spoonful of cinnamon as sustenance on a desert trek. The legal fees you’d have to pay just to get the paperwork started are enough to purchase enough extra inches of sub to last you the rest of your life. Especially when there aren’t many people on earth who have finished 11 inches of a Subway sandwich and thought to themselves, “God, I wish there was just a little bit more of this.”
Quarterback Hand-Lengthening
Unless you’re someone with a particular taste for custom gloves, you’d be forgiven for having no idea what the measurements of your hands are. As long as you can wrap them around a standard doorknob, you’re probably set for life. If you plan to enter the NFL draft as a quarterback, though, it suddenly becomes a very important number. Kenny Pickett, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, found this out the hard way, when the size of his hands was scrutinized on a scale unseen since the least funny accounts on Twitter took on Trump.
“Can you physically hold a football” seems like a question that would have thoroughly been answered by the time of the NFL draft, but apparently, buoyed by a minuscule difference between college and NFL football dimensions, it was enough to get talent evaluators in a tizzy. Given the fact, though, that even a small draft slide can cost a player millions of dollars, Pickett went to medieval methods to try to stretch his grippers before they were measured at the combine, admitting he wore splints to try to stretch his hands to an NFL-approved size. It didn’t work, and we’ll never know how much he slid because of that, but sometimes going a few slots lower can have advantages, like not playing for the Washington Commanders.
Professional Pole Vaulting
Look, far be it for me to judge anyone for following their bliss when mine is mostly watching videos of cows’ hooves getting cleaned on YouTube. After all, that’s one pursuit of joy that is absolutely never going to land me any sort of international acclaim. So, if your personal jam is pole vaulting, good on you. The way my brain processes rewards just wouldn’t see a sufficient payoff in the culmination of my life’s work being jumping three-quarters of an inch higher than the last guy.
They’re incredible athletes, and my ears get hot when I go up more than two flights of stairs. I realize this. I’m just saying, if I spent decades perfecting an athletic pursuit, I’d want it to be one that was useful outside of crossing a decayed wooden bridge on some sort of jungle adventure. I’d also have to assume that pole-vaulters have day jobs to support their vaulting journey, as my initial research on “pole-vaulting salary” is not paying dividends.
That said, it probably does feel pretty cool, and any kid worth their salt definitely had to visit the school nurse after trying it with a big stick on the playground, so you do you.
Yes, the Penis
HERE YOU GO, you pervs. I’m sure as soon as you saw the title of this article, your gutter-soaked brains went directly to phallic dimensions. Freud would be proud, you nasty little freaks. I wanted to just write a nice, family-friendly article about weird surgeries, but I guess I just can’t escape the rampant sexualization of the human mind. Yes, people pay top dollar to get their ding-dongs lengthened. Now, how about you go take a cold shower and find god.
