X Unintentionally Funny Moments in the ‘Fast & the Furious’ Movies
Proving that the world’s appetite for car chases, oiled-up movie stars and gratuitous Corona consumption will never be fully satiated, this week we’re getting yet another installment in the Fast and the Furious canon: Fast X — yes, they’re now throwing Roman numerals into the series that previously featured 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast Five and other frustratingly inconsistent titles.
Impressively, this ninth sequel to the 2001 original seemingly isn’t about Dominic Toretto carefully driving his Toyota Corolla to catch the Early Bird Special at Denny’s.
Part of the reason we love these ridiculous movies is because they’re very funny – often not intentionally so. So at the risk of angering a bunch of unpredictable, rich guys with biceps bigger than most human heads, we’ve collected X of the funniest inadvertent jokes from the Fast and the Furious franchise, starting with…
Dom Is Nearly Killed by a Nameless Truck Driver, ‘The Fast and the Furious’
Over the course of the last two decades, Dom and his gang have bested powerful drug cartels, battled rogue government assassins and even taken a car for a spin in friggin’ outer space. All of this makes it especially amusing to go back and watch the first film, in which Toretto’s plans are brutally derailed, not by some roided-up killing machine, but by an average working-class dude.
In just five years, Dom would be driving cars out of airplanes, but here he’s nearly taken out by some shotgun-wielding rando hauling a truckful of DVD-VCR combo players, which, you have to remember, were essentially worth their weight in gold in the year 2001.
Paul Walker Calls Tyrese ‘Cuh,’ ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’
Perhaps the most infamous moment of the second movie is when Walker calls Tyrese “Cuh” with all the confidence of a white guy rapping at karaoke while uncertain of what words he’s actually allowed to say. “Cuh” is, of course, a slang word for “Cousin” that supposedly originated with the Crips. But sure, put it in a screenplay for the ex-cop/future FBI character played by the guy from Meet the Deedles to say. The comedy hits another level when you realize he was being directed by Boyz N The Hood’s John Singleton.
When Our Film’s Hero Is Bullied by the Kid From ‘Home Improvement,’ ‘The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift’
The third movie focuses on a high schooler played by Lucas Black who, before being exiled to Tokyo, challenges a meathead bully to a street race where the winner “gets” the football player’s girlfriend (which was apparently an acceptable plot point in 2006). The rich douchebag who drives his dad’s Dodge Viper to class is bafflingly played by Zachary Ty Bryan – yes, Brad from Home Improvement exists in the Fast and the Furious-verse.
Dom Becomes Sherlock Holmes for Four Minutes, ‘Fast & Furious’
Following Letty’s “death,” a vengeful Dominic Toretto examines the scene of the crime. Amazingly, he’s not only able to pinpoint the exact type of NOS the murderer used, leading him to the only garage in town that sells it, but he’s also able to seemingly reconstruct the entire crash in his mind.
Question: Haven’t other people been using this road? It’s been days, if not weeks, since the murder, yet this random VCR thief can go full Sherlock for the first and only time in this franchise, forensically analyzing a couple of stains on a public thruway in near total darkness like Batman.
Dom Fights Hobbs While Clearly Standing on Milk Crates, ‘Fast Five’
When Vin Diesel’s Dom and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Hobbs finally come face-to-face, they’re… actually face-to-face? Yeah, the two hulking bros stare at one another square in the eyes, despite the fact that The Rock “has a good six inches on Vin Diesel.” Somehow, Hobbs doesn’t win by simply kicking the milk crates out from under Dom.
Furthermore, the brawl ends in an anticlimactic draw – because both actors reportedly have contractual stipulations stating that their characters can never lose a fight on screen, lest they seem less manly to any toddlers watching who don’t understand that movies aren’t real.
The NeverEnding Runway, ‘Fast & Furious 6’
Upon closer inspection, the sixth movie’s most exciting scene is also the funniest. Toretto and his friends family race to the runway to stop Owen Shaw’s plane from taking off, which they do, after 13 minutes of nonstop action. Which caused many people to retroactively ask: How long was that goddamn runway?
Some folks have actually crunched the numbers, finding that if the plane was traveling at speeds fast enough for it to take off, given the time it took for Dom and his crew to blow it up, the runway would have to be 26 miles long. Which seems unlikely.
‘Furious 7’ Goes Full ‘Dear Evan Hansen’
Due to the series’ convoluted timeline, Furious 7 takes place shortly after the third movie – meaning that when Dom visits Tokyo to find out what happened to Han, he encounters Lucas Black’s character Sean. So Black, who was clearly in his 30s when they shot this scene, is still supposed to be playing a high school kid. Did that last race Tokyo Drift his hairline back a few inches? How does he look less natural than the film’s CGI Paul Walker?
Everything About Charlize Theron’s Dreadlocks, ‘Fate of the Furious’
Presumably out of boredom, Theron suggested that her character, Cipher, should have long blonde dreadlocks — or maybe she misread the script and thought that she was playing a “hackysacker” rather than a “hacker.” Easily the worst dreads sported by a white actor since John Travolta tried to brainwash us all into becoming Scientologists.
Hobbs Orders a Billion Pancakes, ‘Hobbs & Shaw’
Hobbs shares a tender moment with his daughter at a diner, followed by a server bringing him a stack of pancakes that are distractingly taller than some office buildings. Why? Because it’s his “cheat day.” This isn’t a joke; this is actually what The Rock eats on his cheat days, evidence of which has subsequently become a meme.
Wait, Vin Diesel and John Cena are Brothers?, ‘F9’
Even harder to swallow than the scenes set in literal outer space, F9 introduced Jakob Toretto, Dom’s younger, never-before-seen brother, played by… John Cena? Is this supposed to be a Twins-like gag? Making matters wackier, the brothers’ lack of a resemblance is explained away by the Toretto family’s “Nordic strain.” Yeah, we’re gonna need to see the 23andMe results on that one.
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter (if it still exists by the time you’re reading this).
