Batshit New Doc Claims Bob Saget Was Murdered Because of His 'Raunchy' Material

All you need to know about VICE’s new documentary investigating the shocking death of Bob Saget is a disembodied voice that weighs in during its first two minutes: “Hulk Hogan has been ensnared by the belief that the COVID-19 vaccine killed Bob Saget.”

Hoo boy. This is a rabbit hole that no one was asking VICE to go down, a ghoulish “investigation” of QAnon message boards for the most outlandish theories behind Saget’s death, despite the fact that no one in the Normal World questions the official account of what happened that night. (Quick recap: Saget likely slipped coming out of the shower and banged his head on the edge of the adjoining tub. Blunt head trauma. End of story.)

But VICE is on the case anyway, enlisting a crack team of detectives that includes a celebrity reporter from People magazine, an author who claims to be a conspiracy theory expert, an “online investigator” and a “web sleuth.” Not exactly Scotland Yard material. How do we know that the team is going to crack the case? It’s got to be soundbites like “I needed to talk to doctors, so I went to Reddit.”

This is the lead-off episode of a new VICE TV series called (Re)Solved, promising to (re)investigate fishy celebrity deaths. If “What Really Happened to Bob Saget?” is any indication, it’s (re)ally going to be a rough ride. If nothing else, (Re)Solved completely fails to answer the two most important questions for any show like this: If Saget didn’t die from a fall in the bathroom, what happened? (Someone killed him!) And if someone killed him, why?

(Re)Solved sorta kinda tries to answer those questions by scouring obscure TikToks and wackadoodle message boards. And the best they can do? “Armchair detectives” (this is what they actually call themselves) sketch together the picture of a clueless dad who sees Saget’s insanely profane Aristocrats joke, decides Saget is not only a pedophile but likely in a relationship with clueless dad’s daughter, somehow bribes hotel staff to leave an adjoining door unlocked so he can slip into Saget’s room, then bashes him in the skull with a… candlestick, maybe? Still working out that part. Oh, and then crazy dad cleaned all of the blood from the bathroom and the bedsheets.

Mind you, this is the best theory. Even though it would mean every comedian in The Aristocrats should watch their back, as they all told versions of the same gross-out joke. 

The real mystery is why VICE is stooping to this kind of nonsense. It looks like crap, from people laying in bed conducting their own interviews via Facetime, to ghoulish, fish-eye footage recreating a murder scene that never was, to unintentionally hilarious animations of Metaverse Saget falling to the floor again and again and again.

An earlier version of VICE might have done an investigation into armchair sleuths themselves, scrutinizing the damage they’re wreaking on intelligent society. Now they’re all on the same team, turning out reality trash that Saget’s kids might accidentally watch someday. Why? We’ll use a (Re)Solved trick and go to the YouTube comments for conclusions: “Wow … someone needs to do an investigation on the death of VICE.”