Patton Oswalt Gives Invaluable Advice in His ‘Dear Prudence’ Column

Next time we need to back out of a vacation cruise with our moms, we’re calling Patton Oswalt.

As part of Slate’s “Guest Prudie” series, the prolific comedian and actor provided some valuable insight to a select few write-ins who were lucky enough to be chosen for some sage advice from the man who already taught us how to deal with a nesting duck on our front porch. The ever-empathetic and eloquent Oswalt helped a collection of problem-havers with the usual gripes that drive one to seek help from an advice columnist — I’m having a problem with my in-laws, I’m having a problem with my parents, my wife won’t stop taking pictures of my food, you know, the usual fare. 

The entire article is worthy of a read, but highlights include adages from Oswalt such as, “The present and future belong to those who have defeated their pasts,” “The cloud could be full of symphonies and novels but instead, it’s groaning under the weight of a million brunch photos,” and my favorite, “I’d rather enter my twilight years blowing out the candles on a Carvel cake being served to me near the sluice chute on a slaughterhouse killing floor than go on a cruise.”