15 Brian Regan Jokes for the Hall of Fame
Brian Regan is a true comedian’s comedian. Over the past 30 years, he’s become a household name solely from stand-up. He never needed a gimmick, never needed a sitcom to showcase his talents, never had any scandals or beefs with his contemporaries. All he’s ever required is a microphone, a stage and an audience.
And so, to honor Regan for his devotion to his craft, we’re inducting 15 of his best jokes into the Comedy Hall of Fame.
On Science Fairs
“I didn’t know what to do for my project, so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt. I was hoping the teacher would know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me.
“‘What do you have there Brian?’
“‘It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an F on there, and let me go home.’
“‘Well, explain it!’
“‘Well, it’s a cup… with dirt in it! I call it Cup of Dirt. You should move on now. You just go ahead and move on down the line there.’”
On Spelling Bees
“I’d be a lot better off if I would have studied more when I was growing up. But where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. ‘Cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew. ‘Alright kids! Up against a wall, it’s time for public humiliation!’”
On Crime
“The lamest crime is loitering. You imagine a guy with a 30-page rap sheet that’s all loitering. What do you do with a guy like that? Throw him in jail, where he can’t go anywhere?”
On Cranberries
“I don’t know what’s going on with cranberries, but they’re getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries, does a great job. He’s showing up everywhere: ‘Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50/50. What do you got, grapes? How about cran-grape? What do you got, mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got, pork chops? Cran-chops!’
Why don’t you back off, cran-man? Why don’t you take your sales trophy and have a vacation?”
On Evel Knievel
“I feel bad for Evel Knievel every time he does a talk show. They show him the footage where he fell off the motorcycle at Caesars Palace and bounced around like 83 times. That’s what they show him: ‘Hey, remember that day, Evel?’ ‘Oh no, I don’t remember…’
“And they always ask him what he was thinking right before he hit the pavement. What kind of question is that — ‘What were you thinking right before you hit the pavement?’
‘I remember thinking, ‘Hey, did I turn off the iron?’ Then my leg snapped in half. Then I was thinking, ‘Hey, maybe I should get a puppy!’ What do you think I was thinking? AAAAAAGH! Something like that.”
On Pop-Tart Directions
“You can microwave a Pop-Tart. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart in a toaster — a minute and a half, on the long side? There are people who don’t have this kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.”
On Wrong Numbers
“I always feel weird on the phone. This guy called me up the other day — it’s a wrong number, the guy’s off by one number. But they never know that, so I always pretend like they’re off by seven. That’s more fun.’
“‘Is this 213-3125?’
“‘This is 998-7999. What the hell’s wrong with you? What are you, drunk? You’re drunk, aren’t you?’”
On Eye Doctors
“I’m wearing new contacts. I just had my prescription changed after six years. You ever wait that long and get new lenses? You’re like, ‘Man, I could have been seeing things!’ How can instantly improving vision not be at the top of your to-do list? ‘I’ll see tomorrow. I don’t have time.”
On Driving Himself to the Emergency Room
“I didn’t know what to do! It was at night, so I drove myself to the emergency room. That’s a nice relaxing drive — ‘No, after you… Yeah, merge everybody. I’m only imploding!’ I pull up to the entrance to the emergency room. No valet parking. I mean if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system. If there’s ever a time when you want to go, ‘Can you park this? Because I need to collapse immediately.”
On Raisins
“I’m intrigued when people try to talk me into liking raisins. Like it’s a psychological flaw. People love to go, ‘Brian, do you like grapes?’
“Here we go” ‘Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes.’
“‘Well, raisins are just dried-up grapes!’
“‘Oh, I’ve loved them all along! I had no idea!’
“So I love to hit them back with, ‘Do you like ham sandwiches? You do? Well, would you like it if I put one outside for three weeks, in the broiling sun, on a picnic table, so it shriveled up to the point of unrecognizability, and put it on a plate and gave it to you? Would you like that? It’s just a ham sandwich!’”
On Walkie-Talkies
"The walkie-talkie was a military invention. Usually military stuff has strong names, like ‘Apache helicopter’ and ‘Tomahawk missile.’ ‘Walkie-talkie’? How did that slip through the system? Was a general talking to some guy, ‘What do you have there, soldier?’
“‘Well, it’s a new communication device. It’s untethered, which enables the troops to speak effectively when they’re in the field.’
“‘What’s it called?’
“‘Walkie-talkie! Look, I’m walkie, and I’m talkie! Now, you walkie and talkie, general! Are you walkie and talkie?
“‘I like It, soldier. Soldier, let me ask you, what’s this explosive device?’
“‘The Whammy-Kablammy! And this is the Rootie Tootie Aimie-Shootie!’”
On Greeting Cards
“I went into a greeting card store today, and they have a whole section called blank inside. The guy selling blank inside cards must laugh. ‘What do you do again?’ ‘I sell blank inside cards — just a picture of a tree with nothing on the inside, no little limerick, nothing. They’re buying a crease.”
On Having OCD
“When I first suspected that I might have OCD, I Googled it. There are different symptoms, and some I have, and some I don’t. And of the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others. So I decided to make a color-coded graph. I wish I was making this up. I listed the symptoms, and I said, ‘I’m going to rate from zero to 10 how strongly I feel I have each symptom. I’ll total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms. If I’m higher than five, I’ll seek professional treatment. If I’m under five, I’ll self-diagnose that. I am A-OK.’
“‘Number one: Are you the type of person who has to check the stove over and over again to make sure it’s off?’
“‘Uh, zero. That’s Looney Tunes land.’
“‘Number two: Are you the type of person who has to wash your hands repeatedly?’
“I had this nagging feeling that I forgot to answer the first question, so I looked up. Yeah, I did write zero. Okay, handwashing? Six. I’m, like, ‘That ain’t even right.’ I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands. I went to wash my hands. While I’m washing my hands, I’m like, ‘Why did they mention the stove?’ So I checked the stove. It was on. I’m like, ‘I’m never going to make that mistake again.’
“And I came back, and I changed handwashing to two. I did the whole test and averaged 5.0. So I’m like, ‘I still don’t know.’”
On Massages
“Massages are weird. I never feel comfortable — always looking through that strange doughnut hole. I’m always thinking weird things like, ‘I wonder if I could squeeze my head through this. But what if I got stuck underneath the table? Then I’d be like an upside-down periscope. I’d better leave well enough alone and stay on this side of the doughnut hole.’”
On Space Travel
“I have a social fantasy: I wish I was one of the 12 astronauts who have been on the moon. They must love knowing they can beat anybody’s story whenever they want. They can sit back quietly at a dinner party while some other person, some ‘me’ monster’s doing his thing, and let him go. Let him run with the line. Let him have his moment.
“‘Yeah, I’m a big traveler. I have my business, my own global enterprise I gotta check on. You know, driving the Autobahn ‘cause I keep a fleet of sports cars over in Zurich, and I got a Swiss account that I’m gonna check on. Mount Kilimanjaro mission might have to cancel on, you know. Runways in Aspen are a lot shorter the first time you go in. The Pacific Rim company… RAHR RAHR RAHR GLOBAL ENTERPRISE RAHR RAHR RAHR!’
(Pretends to eat chips) “‘I walked on the moon. You mentioned driving on the Autobahn, that reminded me — once I was driving in the Sea of Tranquility in my lunar rover, and I too was worried about our speeds until I remembered: ‘We’re the only ones on the Moon!’’”
