The Funniest Leslie Jones Jokes and Moments for the Comedy Hall of Fame
Leslie Jones is quite literally a baller. She played D1 college basketball and plays comedy the same way: for keeps. Her dunks are thunderous, and she can humiliate any trash-talker who is foolish enough to try her. In fact, it’s best just to pass her the ball and let her go to work, which is what we’re going to do today — inducting 15 of her best jokes and moments into the Comedy Hall of Fame.
Naked & Afraid Celebrity Edition, ‘Saturday Night Live’
“Whoo! The cool breeze feels good on my ass, man.”
On Texting
“Texting has ruined my life. I can’t stop texting. It’s hard not to text, ‘You is a bitch!’ ‘Okay, I’m sorry for calling you a bitch.’ ‘Did you get my last text?’ ‘Are you getting any of these texts?’ ‘Are you getting any of these texts, bitch?’ I’m 10 texts in now. How am I gonna stop texting? Don’t say, ‘Don’t text,’ ‘cause you can’t tell somebody who keeps texting, ‘Don’t text!’ Oh, delete the number? What am I gonna do, delete my brain?”
Kyle and Leslie, ‘Saturday Night Live’
In this taped bit, Kyle Mooney and Jones discuss their relationship — oh, and Mooney shoots Colin Jost.
On Life in Your 30s
“Enjoy your 20s, bitch, ‘cause soon you’re going to be in your 30s. That’s when you’re gonna have to make them real decisions. You’re gonna have to decide if you’re going to stay a ho, or clean yourself up and become a respectable young lady. Gotta get your reputation back in your 30s. Maybe date a pastor. Maybe do some community service, instead of servicing the community. That’s when you become smart — in your 30s. You start realizing that there’s no such thing as a Prince Charming. And you’re no Sleeping Beauty. Man, I knew I wasn’t no Sleeping Beauty. I have been told several times, ‘You are very unattractive when you sleep.’”
On Being Hacked
“If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask.”
On Mountain Lions
“I was watching the news the other day, and the newscaster was like, ‘If you see a mountain lion, do not approach it.’ I was like, ‘Who is this commercial for?’ This is for white folks. Black people don’t mess with animals. We cross the street when we see a squirrel. Even the mountain lion be like, ‘Is this bitch approaching? Wow…’ Y’all be hiking and riding your bike in the mountains and be surprised when a mountain lion jumps out and mauls your punk ass. It’s a mountain lion — it’s not a kitchen lion, not a bathroom lion. It’s trying to figure out, ‘Why does my lunch have a backpack?’”
Weezer, ‘Saturday Night Live’
Arguing with Matt Damon over who’s the bigger Weezer fan was Jones at her unhinged best.
Spanish Jackie, ‘Our Flag Means Death’
“You don’t want to end up like me — owning a dive and being married to 19, well, 18 now, husbands.”
On Wanting to Play Trump
“Don’t say no to me, Lorne. I’ll destroy this whole fucking place.”
Her First Television Appearance
‘Coming 2 America’
Playing the mother of Prince Akeem’s child, the filmmakers deftly introduced her character using a clever flashback “from” the first movie.
Etiquette Lesson, ‘Saturday Night Live’
Get to 1:45, and you will be generously rewarded.
Guest Hosting ‘The Daily Show’
The roster of guest hosts The Daily Show has employed since Trevor Noah’s departure has been impressive, but Jones’ week in the anchor’s chair in January was among the best.
On Black Inventors, Weekend Update
Jones: Guess what else a Black person invented? Caller I.D. and call waiting. Yes, It was invented by Dr. Shirley Jackson. Somebody should have called Shirley back. Because that bitch invented a way to make you call her back. She wasn’t even in tech. She was just a chick who wanted Charles to pick up the phone.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, who is Charles?
Jones: Charles knows who he is.
Her Olympics Commentary
Jones has been live-tweeting the games since 2016, and her commentary is always on-point.
